#what the fuck is happening everyone dying. did not like having to do the Achilles last stand fight I was so relieved it was offscreen but no

[ziracona]

All my heroic spirits are fucking dying

[dear-gods-wtf]

{1} Princess - P. Jackson🔱.

By Mari_coppolo on Wattpad.

Status: Completed.

Chapters: 87.

Time: 20h 34m.

Meet the characters

—Table of Contents—

🔱Act One🔱 (The Titan’s Curse)

“That’s why I don’t go to school dances.”

“Annabeth decides to go cliff-diving.”

“Captain, we lost one.”

“Apollo is hot just like this little New England city is now.”

“ ‘Wildest dreams’ by Taylor Swift. Though it’s not cool like her song.”

“We are being attacked by mummies.”

“Guess who’s going on a quest? Hint: It’s not Perseus.”

“Flash News! We got attacked again.”

“I share my Mercedes with Perseus.”

“We’re pig cowboys… Pigboys. (Does that exist?)”

“We’re fucked on all fours, holy shit.”

“Was it necessary to slap the burrito?”

“The angels gave us a ride. No, it wasn’t to heaven.”

“Revelations.”

“Daddy issues are rising above the skies right now.”

“I hate to see the stars.”

“ ‘I meet the gods and look what happened?!’ (It’s not clickbait)”

“Would you mind knocking me out? I need to sleep for ten years at least.”

❤️Act Two❤️ (The Demigod Diaries #1)

“I just wanted to start the year well.”

“Just another weekend.”

“S.O.S! Edward Cullen attacks me.”

“Happy fucking birthday.”

“That’s weird…”

“In what way do you mean that?”

“Are we about to kiss?”

“ ‘Backbiter,’ more like Backstabber.”

“Francis, the shark.”

“Everything was fine until it wasn’t anymore.”

🕊️Act Three🕊️ (The Battle of the Labyrinth)

“Wasted my pretty outfit.”

“We’re are going to learn to tap dance.”

“When I have to find something I never do. But this, of course I found it.”

“We’re going on a trip on our favorite rocket ship.”

“Wish us luck. Please.”

“Can you please join my ‘Anti-Hera club?’ It will help me graduate.”

“When everything goes down, Perseus makes it go up again.”

“Just found out I’m worth some good gold. Wanna buy me?”

“Perseus saves the day… again.”

“The king can fuck himself.”

“I’m retiring from being a demigod. Now I’m the new spider-women. Scratch that.”

“Hephaestus sends me on a date. I blew it up… literally.”

“We try to survive.”

“Congratulations on not dying.”

“ ‘Oh boy, here we go.’ -Pt. 2 feat Mc R.E.D. Available on Spotify.”

“I fought my brother. Why? Deaths and Marriage.”

“Dream on- Kratos’s version.”

“Raise your hand if you woke up the Titan. Perseus, I can see you hiding.”

“Pretty nice words before dying.”

“The battle started.”

“There is hope for everyone in the end.”

“Pranks.”

“Did she-? Alright, bring back the dragon.”

“I can’t tell you if the fireworks are in the sky or in my stomach.”

“I’m no good at goodbyes.”

🇧🇷Act Four🇧🇷 (The Demigod Diaries #2)

“Let me tell you something.”

“First night, first argument.”

“Guess what? He knows.”

“A deal.”

“Iris-messages and lies.”

“I’m selfish, I know, I can’t let you go.”

“Traumatic, indeed.”

“I was forced to be here, but in the end I liked it.”

“Girl’s talk.”

“ ‘Dear Princess;’ That’s where I died.”

“I got an exclusive present.”

“Memories bring back you.”

⚔️Act Five⚔️ (The Last Olympian)

“Guess I got back right on time.”

“Are we ever going to have a civilized conversation?”

“Wanna sprite?”

“Percy leads us to Olympus.”

“They could have put me to sleep too.”

“ ‘We’re all in this together’ - Camp Half-Blood version.”

“Kronos can go suck a dick.”

“Punching the air.”

“I flew on a pig.”

“Let’s party with the ponies.”

“What in the Achilles is this?”

“My father almost blew me up. Don’t blame him.”

“He’s gone. It’s done.”

“I got a gift from the gods.”

“*screams* *giggles* *kick the air.*”

“We’re doing fine, strange I know.”

“And they lived happily ever after… for four months.”

[eternalera]

okay okay okay (this is lowkey review for me bc i got iliad stuff to do once i get back to school :>)

so basically here are some points leading up to it bc in the iliad we dont actually get his death bc the iliad wasnt really about the whole 'achilles gets yoinked in the heel thing' and more about the loss that came with war (in my opinion).

so basically achilles kinda almost avoided the whole 'getting shot in the heel thing' this is mostly because agamemnon (we hate him here <3) threw a pissy fit because he had to give up his war prize (something that resembled honor and yes this is a VERY prominent thing because back then honor was basically all you had after your death because they didnt really have a writing system to tell your story i mean they did but like yknow, it was one vases and shit im pretty sure)

so achilles is like 'you gotta give back your war prize or else apollo is gonna get pissed at us because you dishonored him' and agamemnon is like 'fine but im taking yours' and achilles is like 'this bish-'

so then he leaves the war and refuses to fight unless agamemnon basically pleads at his feet for him to join back into the war. so basically one two skip a few and enter in patroclus achilles' totally no-homo-tentmate-best-buddy-friend-heterolifepartner nothing ever happened yep mhm totally

so basically achilles sends him out because he sees a warrior get injured (machaon who is a medic kinda important but eh) and hes like 'go see who that is before i grieve for them please, gotta make sure its someone of importance' (yes hes a bitch)

then patroclus is like 'alr sure whatever you say' anyways once he gets there nestors like 'yknow how nice of achilles to get sad when someone he likes gets hurt, BUT HE COULD PREVENT IT IF HE WOULD GET HIS ASS OUT HERE. so could you tell him to do that pls? and if not cant you at least wear his armor and get out here' and patroclus is like ' , :D i can sure try' and anyways he sees someone getting injured and actually helps him (UNLIKE HIS SHITTY ASS BF)

anyways he gets back and is like 'you actually fucking suck wtf man everyones dying everyones injured' and hes crying and shit and achilles is just mocking him until he realizes that its serious and then patroclus is like 'if you wont fight can i go out in your armor and yknow act like you to scare them off?'

achilles is then like 'YESS WIN ME GLORRYYYYY, and also dont go far from the ships and dont seize glory and dont die pls :>'

patroclus is like 'sir yes sir'

then he fucking DIES!!

anyways achilles manages to cry so damn loudly that the sea nymphs BELOW THE EARTH could hear him and started to get sad. thetis (his mother) then goes up and is like 'whats wrong'

then achilles is like 'my totally non-homo-heterolifepartner died mother theres nothing left to live for. i shall fight :(' then thetis mourns for her son and gets hephaestus to make him some armor

anyways then achilles does a bunch of shit, fights a river, the usual when mourning yknow? and then FINALLY he kills hector (aka the one who killed patroclus) and drags his body around troy three times (he has truama)

and then yeah stuff happens hector gets returned but ANYWAYS

hector was apollos favorite so when he saw achilles dishonoring him he's like 'well fuck THAT guy' and then he goes down to paris (hectors femboy practically useless flamboyant brother but we love him for that) and is like

'yo since that guy kinda killed your brother you wanna help me kill him :>'

and then paris is like 'FUCK YEAHHHH'

anyways apollos rigs paris' arrow to basically hit achilles' heel his one vulnerable spot

everything else is invincible or smth bc thetis (omg its her again) dipper him in the river styx to make him invincible but held him by his heel for some reason?? (she totally couldve just also dipped the heel but sure) and so yeah the arrow kills him or smth!?

people think that it left achilles disabled like unable to walk and then paris stabbed him or smth because as you can imagine a hit to the heel isnt exactly fatal.

oh yeah its also thought that paris shot the arrow on his own without apollos help or that apollo just shot the arrow at achilles and paris took the credit or didnt have anything to do with it

yeah so basically thats achilles' death

he totally couldve avoided it too bc he had two destinies and shit so yeah :)

Pup!!!! Hi how are you :D

good :DDDD

hru?

[cinnamonest]

Kaeya Alberich - Yandere Profile

YES I love my eyepatch boy!! I really like him as a yandere, because he's definitely got several traits and behaviors that would make him a very unconventional/different yet absolutely terrifying one to have. Him or Diluc as your yandere is basically like playing a game on maximum difficulty. He's so arrogant dammit why does he have to make it hot

More importantly, someone take the ability to write n/sfw away from me I s2g... I go from trying to make serious content to nasty weird kinks and completely feral in .002 seconds the moment I add that readmore

tws: gaslighting, manipulation, yandere, mentions of mutilation

tws (below cut): noncon, a good deal of sadism, mentions of an*l

-----------------

What are they generally like? Lucid, aware? Obsessive? How do they behave?

He's actually one of the worst yanderes you could have in almost every regard, for two very simple reasons: his crippling psychological issues, and his intense selfishness. The first manifests as severe abandonment issues. It's the origin of his unhealthy feelings, most likely. Kaeya doesn't like the instability of people - based on his backstory, people always leave, or die, and even if they don't intend to, somehow it feels like abandonment, and he resents it. People leave him all alone and afraid and uncertain. That's generally all he knows, and despite the smug exterior, he's actually pushed people away quite a bit, keeps everyone at arm's length to ensure they can't become someone too important for him to accept their sudden absence. He can't care about someone, because that someone is fated to inevitably leave him, no matter who it may be.

That's why, once you manage to worm your way into his feelings and heart despite his best efforts, once he finally caves to acknowledging the feeling, he's aware. Painfully aware, because be can't stop worrying every waking moment about you, your well-being, your location. It reaches a point where he can't go about his job because he's simply too consumed with his worry.

The solution that kept him safest in the past was to avoid developing emotional attachments, but when he does, he's terrified of both your safety AND you intentionally abandoning him. Really, the latter would hurt worse, since he can't fault you for dying, but to abandon him? It would break him.

And, to some extent, he's developed a lot of  prideful anger about it, deep, deep down. He feels that he doesn't deserve to be abandoned, doesn't deserve to just be left behind under the guise of some greater purpose, and he'll be damned if he just lets you toss him aside like he feels others did. Even if you reject him, he won't accept it. You don't get to reject him. He won't allow that. What has he ever done to deserve everything that's happened to him? Nothing. You're the one person who has stayed with him, and you're going to continue to be with him. Forever.

That being said, he's still somewhat confident because he's got that arrogance about him. He doesn't perceive rejection, because he's always gotten a lot of attention for his looks, even if he's never actually followed through on anyone else's attention out of those same fears. He'll write off any perceived rejection as being for some other reason, something besides an actual rejection, and he'll seek to eliminate whatever he feels is keeping you from just accepting him.

Honestly, one of the most likely to have a full blown, classic-yandere-style psychotic breakdown. He can be driven to a snapping point, if there's enough stress or obstacles, and in case of that, he'll be a lot more willing to kill, and a lot more willing to hurt you, but it's a point that would still take a lot to reach.

But what's really terrifying about Kaeya is his delusions, primarily his ability to mentally justify everything he does without hesitation. Even most delusional yanderes struggle - they feel like it's wrong, they know it is deep down, and they take time to convince themselves of their delusions, tell themselves it's ok over and over, beg for reassurance, and get defensive when called out because they know they're in the wrong. The same isn't true for Kaeya. He automatically justifies his actions by default, and has absolutely zero doubt or hesitation to do so. He doesn't even need a complex reason for justification - it's a simple one. He deserves what he wants. Anything necessary to achieve that is fair.

How likely are they to kidnap their darling? How quickly will they do so?

Highly likely and very quickly, right up there with Diluc and Razor. And he's absolutely remorseless about it. It ties back into his delusional state and ability to justify anything he does - this is what's best for you. If you don't get that, that's your problem, not his.

He's another one to not want to pull some barbaric move like knocking you out, rather, he'd rather just trick you into walking right into your new home. He gets that you'll be upset about it, but to him, that's just part of the process. Not that he'll tolerate it for too long. 12, maybe 24 hours is enough time for you to reasonably be upset, but if you're still trying to fight him on this after that, he's going to get snappy about it, thinking you should already be over that by now.

How difficult is it to escape from them? How do they keep you restrained? How do they deal with attempted escape? 

You're not leaving.

It's not worth trying, really. How he manages to do it is a mystery to you, but he'll manage to keep you locked in right there at the headquarters with him. How Jean and Lisa haven't found out about you being there, how he convinced all of his guards to be on his side of things, you have no idea. Realistically, if you get out, he's likely to make you out to be some kind of criminal that needs to be found -- just not to hurt you in any way, so goes the order, and the knights know better than to question why.

He has eyes and ears everywhere, it won't take them anytime at all to find you. He's so confident in that, and combined with his pride, he doesn't feel the need to go get you himself. No, it's a lot more satisfying to sit back and watch as they drag you through the doors of the headquarters, slowly pull you to the end of the room and drop you down at his feet, where he can look down on you with that closed-eyed, artificially wide smile that tells you that you have seriously fucked up.

Escape attempts aren't going to be met with a single shred of mercy, really. The thing about Kaeya is he's ultimately a selfish, selfish bastard with a lot of deep-seeded, highly repressed emotional issues, and he has absolutely no problem with keeping you bound hand and foot, or maybe even make some permanent modifications to your body if that's what it takes to keep you. It's not a wise idea to even try unless you're absolutely certain to succeed, otherwise you may find yourself never getting the opportunity again. You don't really need those Achilles tendons intact, you know. And your ankle bones are just so fragile, they'll snap with just a little twist. Actually, that wouldn't be too bad, giving you more reasons to be grateful when he's doing everything for you.

He's not one to just let it go, either. No, escape attempts are the one unforgivable thing for him, the one thing that will make him totally and completely snap. You don't get to do that. You're the one thing that doesn't get to just disappear out of his life in a flash. Half the reason he sends the knights to get you rather than going himself is to give him some time to let the rage settle down, otherwise he knows he might not be able to control himself and might end up hurting you even worse than he intends to. He's not going to buy any excuses and won't go any lighter on you if you beg and grovel or anything. But you will apologize -- you get to choose how hard it is. You can apologize the easy way, or, if you don't want to, there are many ways to force it out. But by the end, he'll get an apology, and a promise to never try again, out of you, no matter what that takes. It's by far the worst state you'll ever see him in, and really, once is enough to dissuade you from trying again.

How easy are they to trick, deceive, or manipulate?

You'd have to try pretty hard. He doesn't have the sheer amount of years of life experience like Venti or Zhongli, but he's not the captain for no reason - he's perceptive, and highly intelligent.

Rather than simply mastering reading human voice and facial expressions for telltale signs of deceit, he's good at learning individuals in particular - memorizing the patterns of thought and action of a particular individual, and predicting how they will act. He can do it with everyone else with ease, how much more, then, with the object of an obsession? If you're trying to formulate some plan to trick him, he'll already predict what you'll do, if you lie, he already knows. It's creepier than the others, really, because it's not just that he can tell when you're lying, but rather he already knows you're going to lie or try some scheme before you do it. It feels so tailored and personalized to your thought patterns, it almost feels like an invasion of the privacy of your mind, which, really, is the one privacy you thought you had left.

He's great at gaslighting himself, too. He's a very good liar, and can make you believe anything he wants. He'll target your fears and paranoias, make you believe you're going crazy, and he'll do it all so perfectly you'll never suspect a thing. You'll end up coming to him for protection and guidance, exactly as planned.

How lenient are they? What privileges can you have, and what will you be denied?

Pretty strict. He doesn't let you have any outside contact, and you're limited on what you can do when he's gone. He'll bring you some books, maybe something to draw on -- no sharp writing utensils, though. In his mind, that should be enough to occupy you.

You won't get outside walks or visits. It's just too risky for him, and he really doesn't like seeing other people look at you. If you really, really beg, and you've been on amazing behavior, and you're well into your relationship, maybe a few months or so, there's a chance he'll take you out at nighttime, or sunrise, but at the slightest sign of intentions he doesn't like, you'll be dragged back, and you won't see the sun for a long time.

You'll have a very limited wardrobe, he doesn't see why you even need to wear anything, but if you're going to be stubborn, he can get you something simple, like an old shirt and some underwear, but that's about all you can have. Any requests for actual clothing are going to be denied. It's ridiculous for him to spend money on something you don't need, and besides, he prefers it this way, y'know?

What kind of rules do they have? What kind of punishment would they use?

Generally, it's a simple one: obey. You do what he tells you to do, and you don't do something if he tells you not to. This stems to similar rules that develop: be submissive, don't be argumentative, don't be defiant. Follow those, and you can both be happy, and that's what you want, isn't it? It had better be - he's not very lenient, and will harshly punish even small offenses. As for that punishment... most of it isn't going to be sfw. That's just how he is.

What he will do is emotionally manipulate you, and he's rather good at it. You wanted to escape? Ok. He'll let you have your way, let you be alone. All alone. All by yourself, in a little room, with no one at all, which is exactly how you would have left him, had you succeeded. He knows very well how that kind of loneliness bites. He's not totally cruel, though, and he won't withhold affection from you by the time he returns -- he doesn't need to, you'll already be crying and apologizing, which is exactly what he hoped for. Not that he won't briefly mock you for it.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're crying like that because you actually missed me. Oh, you did? Being all alone isn't particularly fun, now is it? I'm sure you understand that now."

How do they deal with rivals, or perceived rivals? Will they get rid of them? Will they kill them themselves, or find another way?

Kaeya's an insanely jealous person. It doesn't show on his face, but it eats at him internally. It doesn't matter if it's a love interest, a platonic friend, even a family member. It's all the same -- people who want to take your attention away from him, people who you smile at that aren't him, people you love that aren't him. He's not one to delude himself into thinking everyone secretly loves you romantically, rather, it doesn't matter. Romantic interests are the worst threat, sure, but friends and family aren't much better.

He sees himself as above killing, though. He has people to do that for him, and he likes knowing that he has that much power. He's not going to dirty his hands with it, and frankly, they're not even worthy of his time and effort to kill them. Knights and other connections can take care of it just as well.

How easy is it to make them mad? What does their anger look like?

As somewhat previously discussed, the primary form of making him mad is attempting an escape. That's on a whole new level of anger because it strikes at a very deep, wounding insecurity. On a normal day, though, he's more easily exasperated than angry. He gets frustrated somewhat easily, especially if you're trying exceptionally hard to be a brat. He has very clear warning signs. His signature little smirk drops, he gets quiet, he balls his hands into fists and digs his fingernails into his palms. At that stage, he's irritable and might snap at you, but won't get too angry until you ignore those signs and push it.

If you do push him, though, he gets genuinely mad, which is a very quiet anger at first -- he doesn't talk much when he's mad. He acts. You'll know he's snapped when he puts down whatever he's doing, and just silently stomps over to you, face completely empty and flat, looking down at you with a cold expression. It's enough to put fear in you, but at that point, even if you apologize, you're not getting out of whatever he's planned.

So they see you as above them, beneath them, or equal to them?

Strongly in the "below" camp, a rather unusual stance for a yandere. Like many things with him, there's an inexplicable duality going on there.  You would think that if you loved someone so strongly you'd kidnap them, kill for them, and potentially suffer consequences just to have them, that you would really think highly of them. On the flip side, you would think that if you really saw someone as lowly, you wouldn't care for them, you'd see them as disposable.

But neither is true for Kaeya, no, he balances both obsessive love and complete narcissism regarding you. You're not disposable, no, he can't live without you, he needs you. But at the same time, you're not gonna be on any kind of pedestal. No, if anything, he sees himself on one, more like a throne, and you on the floor before him, how things should be.

He has a similar mindset to Zhongli or Albedo - you're fragile, you're dumb, you're incapable, and you need someone to care for you, protect you, guide you, someone who knows what's best for you, since you clearly don't. However, he's lacking in the attitude those other two have -- there's no seeing you as an angel here. There's no viewing himself as being absolutely honored to take care of you, or viewing protecting and caring for you as some kind of privilege that they're blessed to do, the way those two do.

No, as much as he loves those things, he'll never admit it, not even to himself really. Rather, his mentality is that you should be grateful. Here he is, a very highly respected, accomplished, capable person, and you...? You have what to offer, exactly? That's right, nothing, really, only cuteness and obedience, the latter of which you refuse to give him even though you really ought to. He's taking on the burden of making sure you don't get yourself killed, and how do you repay him? By getting mad about it, throwing a fit like some little kid? He puts up with your tantrums, which are really undeserved, by the way. He puts up with your disobedience and repeated rule violations, your sheer determination to defy him when he's going out of his way to do what's best for you.

One day, he thinks, you'll mature a little bit and understand why he does what he does, and when you do, you'll come groveling and sniffling about how sorry you are, how you'll never defy him again, how you'll be good and obedient from now on, and he'll love every second of it. He looks forward to that day quite a bit.

"Sigh... you know, you're pretty lucky I love you so much. You could stand to show me a little thanks, don't you think?"

How determined are they for you to love them? How hard will they try to make it happen? Or are they content just having you?

He's strongly determined, and yet... doesn't do much to try. It goes back to his mindset that really, you're the one who should be grateful for him, and eventually, you will love him. He's not gonna grovel to you or try different ways of making you love him, no, he's far too proud for that. But he's a smart man. He knows the effects that complete and total isolation other than one other person can have on someone. He's just going to sit back and wait for that effect to kick in, and slowly watch your fragile little mind deteriorate until you're desperate for affection. At which point, well, he can use it against you.

"You were so mean to me before, weren't you? You fought me every step of the way, and now you're just going to turn around and act like that didn't happen...? Well, if you're really sorry, I'll forgive you. But how am I supposed to believe you really are...? Maybe you can think of a way to prove it, hm?"

Bonus: Is there anything that makes them unique, in comparison to other yanderes?

Probably the severity of his degradation. As aforementioned, most yanderes, even the more confident or cocky individuals, either worship the ground their beloved walks on and sees themselves as beneath them, OR sees their darling as some sort of fragile, angelic being, and they are simply a protector or caretaker to that being.

It's a bit different with him, ever the narcissist. It's a strange duality born out of a rare mix of neediness, obsession, and pride. You're more like a toy, or a pet - an invaluable pet that he could never part with, but a pet nonetheless. He certainly looks down on you more than the average yandere - he mentally associates you as naive, fragile, even dumb like a lot of the aforementioned protector/caretaker types, but without the reverence to make up for it.

It's a bizarre duality that not even he fully understands - don't think for a moment that that means he'll ever tire of you, or view you as disposable. No, he's actually one of the most obsessive ones, yet very demanding of attention and praise, rather than giving it.

He frequently tests you - things like leaving the door unlocked, waiting outside just to see if you'll try it. Seeing you open that door, watching your face go from ecstatic excitement and drop to wide-eyed terror, it's priceless.

"My, my, you didn't waste any time at all, did you? Why do you look so surprised...? You should know I wouldn't slip up that badly."

Pet names, but in the most infuriatingly condescending way, and uses them more often when he's mad and trying to warn you that you're pushing his limits. Particularly fond of "sweetheart," especially with a low warning tone and clenched teeth.

General perverseness: how sexual of a person are they? What’s their drive like? How touchy do they get? Do they have any reservations about sexuality?

Horny fucker, all the way. The man has a lot of stress and frustration in his life already, that much more if you're... less than compliant with your new lifestyle. Sex, especially rough and hard, is a fantastic stress reliever.

Very little reservation. He's not crude about it, but he tends to make subtle innuendos very frequently, and laughs at your embarrassed reactions. Definitely the type to pull the whole shtick in which he says something with a blatant sexual undertone, then elaborates in a way to make it sound like having meant something else, follows with that smirk and says, "Why? What did you think I meant?" It's something he really enjoys doing, and loves to get embarrassed reactions out of people, particularly yourself.

"Touchy" doesn't begin to describe it. Pretty much from the moment you meet him, he's got his hands somewhere on your person. He grabs your shoulders when he stands behind you, he wraps an arm around you from the side when he walks up to you, he's always pressing his hands on your back and sides whenever you're navigating the streets, walking through doorways, wraps an arm around your waist when sitting next to you. It's highly uncomfortable, but really, he's just got something very subtly, but very strongly intimidating about him. You almost don't want to confront him on it. If you do, he'll laugh it off, and stop -- for maybe 48 hours or so, and then he'll be right back at it.

To the surprise of, well, everyone who's ever met him, he doesn't actually live up to the rumors of having been around the block, so to speak. His experience is actually little to none - that kinda happens when you push everyone around you away. Not that he'd ever let you know that, of course, and will probably lie if asked, but you can gleam a little bit of truth from slightly awkward movements and a bit of noticeable shakiness.

How forceful are they? Do they care about your willingness?

Kind of like Razor, the issue is that he loves you, and what better way is there of expressing love? He's not much for gift-giving or words of affirmation - no, he's a lot better with words of degradation, it comes more naturally to him. And he's certainly not one to enjoy acts of service -- well, not doing them, he'll gladly take them as a sign of your love, though. No, he expresses love through touch. It's like how, when you hug someone you really love, someone you missed, you squeeze them extra tight - the love manifests as a physical urge for some strong expression. Humans are physical about their emotions -- we punch walls when we're mad, we jump up and down when we're happy, and when you love someone, sometimes you just really, really want to pound them into a mattress as hard as physically possible. That's normal. That, and really, he's got his vices. He's actually fairly weak when it comes to resisting temptations, and prone to give in to urges for physical sensations like drunkenness and sex.

Is another one to be convinced that, with time, you'll come around. And is absolutely the top candidate to be one for using your own body against you - if you get wet, if you whimper, if you cum, that's just proof that you really do want this, that you're just being difficult because you enjoy being a brat, and he'll be sure to tell you that.

What sort of kinks or fetishes do they have, or would they fill?

This is nearly indistinguishable from punishment, sadistic bastard

D/S dynamics

Arrogant fucker wants to be served and worshipped, you could see it coming from a mile away. Anything that puts you beneath him is going to make him happy - anything where you're where you're supposed to be. There's a lot of options, but it doesn't really matter, as long as he feels like he's in control and ownership of you in some way, and as long as you act accordingly.

He wants it to be something that’s not just for sex, but rather, he’ll end up carrying it over into normal life, whether you like it or not. If you just went along with it in hopes of getting it over with once he cums, you’re going to be in for a treat when it starts to carry over. He gets a little too used to being worshipped, and decides he likes that submissive attitude on you enough to want to see it all the time.

Petplay/Collaring

It really helps that he sees you as something of a pet already, but really, the collar is the selling point. Even if you never go outside, there's something unbearably hot about the possessiveness of it all - really, it's there to remind you of your status as property. He wants to own you, and for you to be forced to acknowledge that he owns you, and there's really no better way to do that than something with his name on it. It's even better with a leash, one he can pull on when he's fucking you to pull you back onto him over, and over, and over, hearing it choke you the more he shortens it.

But really, having you crawl towards him on all fours and obey little commands so simple they're humiliating is pretty nice, too.

Impact pain/painplay

There's really nothing quite so powerful feeling as watching you cry and squirm from it, y'know? He's another one that just likes the marks his hands, belts, or anything else can leave all over the skin of your ass and the back of your legs. The thing with him, though, is it's not even always a punishment, he just does it for fun, and that makes it unpredictable. Will definitely make you count, it's a sadistic torture for your mind and body.

Throatfucking

May be used as a punishment measure, may just be because he's craving it, either way, even if you have a gag reflex, you won't for very long. He'll train it out of you gradually, grabbing the back of your head and just slamming all the way down into your throat, holding you there, making you choke - it's a beautiful sound, really, listening to you gag, all while your throat spasms around him, it's the best feeling, really, and will definitely be used as a threat if you need incentives to behave.

Choking

Ties into the dynamics, but really, there’s not much to say on this one. He likes the power trip from having his hands wrapped around your throat, seeing you struggle, watching your face go red, hearing those little choking noises. It puts power over you into his hands, and if you get pleasure from it against your own will, that’s even better.

How do they feel about pregnancy or babies? Do they want them?

Absolutely one of the ones to use it as a tool. If you have a baby, you'll be so much more bound to him. You'll need him more, you'll want him around more, you'll be much less likely to leave, and in a way it feels a little bit like a sign of ownership over you.

That being said, he's also acutely aware of his jealous tendencies, and realizes he would also be very likely to become jealous if he felt like you loved a baby more than him, or gave it more attention and affection than you do him. He doesn't like the thought.

So ultimately, the latter side prevents him from willingly trying, but if you really, really have defiance issues even after he's tried everything he can to break you help you adjust, he might consider it.

What kind of (nsfw) punishments would they use?

If it's mild enough, he can just take the route of extremely rough fucking - it gets rid of the frustration, he likes hearing you whimper and squeal, and he can leave lots of little bruises as reminders of what not to do in the future.

But, again, he already gets off to putting you in pain - it'll be that much worse when you've done something to deserve it. Harder hits, no mercy whatsoever, and he just loves all your little cries, wiping away your tears and smiling at you, right before bringing down whatever instrument of pain he's chosen again. If you really, really make him mad, and he really wants to make you cry, he's not above fucking your ass, either, watching you cry and beg, but you'll learn with time that begging doesn't ever get you out of anything.

What body parts of their darling do they like the most?

Definitely an ass man. Likes fucking you in doggy, seeing the ripple every time you bounce back off of him, pulling your hair or arms to add some force. He likes seeing all the little red marks that his hands and belts and anything else will leave on the skin, views it like marks of possession. Grabbing, beating, fucking, it's all good.

[iguessilovebakugou]

In Search of Silver Linings, We Discovered Gold ||  Bakugou x Fem!Reader (x Shinsou) ||  Happier pt 3 ||  Series

I really feel like Sleeping At Last’s “Two” resonates with Shinsou in this one.  But also for the Reader towards Bakugou just like...in general.  Also, I would suggest Gang of Youth’s “Achilles, Come Down” as well. And Lauren Aquilina’s “Fools”. 

One day I’m going to make a playlist for this fucking series - and then you bitches will be sorry.  

I’m sorry it took so long to get this part out.  I feel like nothing I would write would live up to what I did 2 years ago now.  So I really hope that people like this one just as much as the others. 

Part One!  Part Two!

Word Count:  7.7K TW:  Smooching, Death Mention

“Hey, you okay?”

It should be so easy to explain to them what you were feeling.  They where there with you.  They went through the same thing you had, right?  You were right there with Ochaco, sat right by her side and watched her tell Mr. Aizawa...you should be able to just...

“Yeah,”  You offered Asui a bright smile.  “Just...tired.  These make up classes are just...they’re really killer, you know?”

The dorm had been quiet by the time the raid team had made their way home from their extra classes. Everyone had already gone to bed, the common area devoid of life by the time you had settled on the couches. And you were happy for it.  Ever since...well, it had been a bit harder to be around everyone.  It was hard to come to terms with the fact that after everything that had happened, happened.  And you were supposed to just...move on from it.  Keep going forward.  No time to process.

You pulled out your phone to check your messages.  You had hoped Shinsou would have at least texted you - but you had been left on read.  You tried not to be upset about it and instead, pretended to go to another app and check your messages there.  You even got comfortable and put an arm behind your head - yep, perfectly relaxed and not at all wanting to break down on the inside.  

Tsu’s big bright eyes stared down at you.  You wondered if she felt the same - if Kirishima, Izuku or Ochaco felt the same.  You wondered if sometimes, during class, they just lifted their heads, looked around at your classmates and felt...so out of place.  The only way you could describe it was like stumbling in the middle of a skit being performed in the middle of a park, and no one seemed to quite realize you weren’t actually an extra.

But you didn’t want to run the risk of looking at her.  If she looked at you, she might realize that you hadn’t come to terms with what happened - with Nighteye, Lemillion, with that poor girl, Eri.  And that wouldn’t do.  That might lead into her asking what was wrong.  And what were you supposed to do then?  Answer her honestly?  Come to terms with your feelings like a rational, level headed adult?

You?  Nah. Never.

“Yeah, you’re right.”  Once you were certain her back was towards you, you risked a glance in her direction.  

Your body ached, your eyes were sore, and your mind felt blank but busy at the same time.  You weren’t sure where to begin with everything, where to start with trying to catch up.  But this had become your norm, and as sad as it was, it felt like your body was accommodating to the drama that had become commonplace in your life.  You watched as she met Ochaco at the base of the steps leading up to the rooms.  She seemed surprised when you didn’t move to join them, turning to give you a concerned glance and a lip pout - for extra measure.  

You smiled, lifting up your phone and giving it a little wave.  “I think I’m just going to hang out down here before heading to bed.”

“Oh,”  She muttered softly.  “Okay, if you’re sure?”

You knew she wasn’t buying the act - whatever it was - in the slightest.  You knew Nighteye’s death hit her hard.  A lot harder than you.  As it should have - you had tried to use your quirk to defend her and Nighteye, only to be overpowered and rendered unconscious when it mattered most so you weren’t technically cognizant when she had made her getaway.  But it must have been terrible, holding a man in your arms as he died.   And yet here you are moping about it.  What gives you the right?

“Yeah, I’m sure.”  Another smile, this time a little wider.  “Got some videos to watch, don’t want to run the risk of waking anyone up.”

You turned, ending the conversation there.  You stared at your phone, sitting on the home screen and not bothering to look back once you heard them make the ascent up the stairs to their respective rooms.  It had been getting harder and harder to sleep these past few days and you couldn’t spend another restless night staring at the same four walls anymore.  Watching the same videos, rereading the same texts, you would go insane.  With an exasperated sigh, you tossed your phone to the side.  Hands found your face, fingers rubbing your eyes while reclining back, letting out a slow, low groan.

The lights in the common room were dim, just enough to find your way in case you stumbled down here in the middle of the night.  It was a small comfort, you figured to yourself, to have this moment alone.  To sit in the quiet and listen to the sounds of your friends around you, of the dorm settling snuggly down for another night’s rest.  And there you were, sitting by yourself in the common room.  Trying to decide if you were still mourning for a man you spoke to maybe a handful of times before you watched him get impaled on a spike or if you were ready to move on from it all.  Your head fell back limply against the edge of the couch, staring up at the ceiling as you tried to push any semblance of thought from your mind.  You just needed this one minute, one second for your entire world to just...stop running away from you.

If I could just get to him in time, maybe I could, I could help.  I could save him and be a hero and...

God, how dramatic could you get.  At least you hadn’t held the man in your arms as he lay dying.

With a sigh, you sat yourself back up and went back to your messages, pulling up the chat with Shinsou.  You hoped he was free.  Maybe even free enough to talk.  The empty feeling finding home in your chest was becoming too much.  You could use him, right now.  Maybe you could convince him to leave and come over.  You could watch a movie and just talk until you passed out.

Like friends did.

And if he was there, maybe it would so much easier to stay asleep. 

Hey.  We just got home.  Hope you’re...

Nope, delete.  Didn’t sound right.  

Hey!  You free right now?  I can’t sleep so

Nope, too eager.  

Shinsou, you loser get your ass over here

Nothing was coming out the way you wanted it to.  Nothing had ever sounded right.  You had so many things you wanted to say and yet never seemed to have the energy for it anymore.  Is this depression?  Do you have depression?  Do people who have depression know they have depression without being diagnosed with depression?  

You bit your lip, chewed on it until it grew sore and red and angry.  You needed your friend.  Your best friend.  Your only friend.  You missed hanging out with him, missed being able to text him weird shit and get a selfie of him looking bored at the camera just cause he knew it would make you laugh.  Cause you knew the weird shit you sent him made him laugh.  You wanted to see his face, to hear his voice.  You wanted it to go back before the dorms, back before whatever extra curricular thing he was doing.  But it wasn’t like he was doing this on purpose!  He was busy and you were just being fucking dramatic and needlessly stupid you didn’t even see Nighteye die but Deku did and he is holding himself together so much better and you would be okay if...if...

Why were you fucking crying now???????

Shinsou - I really miss you and I don’t want to be alone right now but I don’t know what to do I just wish you were here

“Hey.”

Given the recent events in your life, his gruff voice shattering the quiet of your isolation should have been expected.  Nevertheless, it still sent your heart skyrocketing into your throat.  You thought everyone had gone to bed and you could be a miserable wretch on your own time.  You jumped, sending your phone clattering to the ground and sliding under the coffee table.  The giant...granite...coffee table.  “Ah, shit, shit...”  You fell to your knees, trying to make a grab for it.  “Damn it, damn it, damn it.”

“I thought I would find you down here.”

Shinsou had hardly heard from you since the night you got back from the raid.  He had seen the news that something had happened.  When you didn’t answer his morning text, he just hoped you were just being your normal self.  When you didn’t show up at lunch, he feared the worst.  He paced his room, hardly ate, did nothing but refresh his news feed to see if your name flashed by as a causality.  He figured no news was good news but waiting to hear from you was the hardest thing he ever had to do.  And the fact you hadn’t told him you were going in the first place and had to find out about it by overhearing one of your classmates mention it?

Ample payback it seemed.  Secrets had become your duo’s new norm - and he hated it. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“We were told not to say anything to anyone.  I’m sorry, Shinsou.”

Your voice had sounded so off, so different in what little words you spoke.  Silence had never been so poignant until he experienced it from you.  As he laid in bed and stared at the phone on his pillow, his heart broke with each toss and turn he could hear from you.  He sat quietly, for that whole 2 hours as you tried to make sense of what you had just been through that day.  But you never said more than a few words and, even so, those were just a mask to hide the rest of the truth you wanted to keep hidden.  He listened, patiently, as you tried to place it all in order so you could begin to move past it.  

He hoped he had helped - in what little way he could.  In what minute way you had allowed him.  You were closing off and he so desperately wanted to cry out for you.  But he stayed quiet.  

And he felt entirely useless. 

He didn’t know exactly what happened; only what little information he had heard from Mr. Aizawa and even that had been bits and pieces.  Confidential, he said.  Bullshit, Shinsou thought.  If he was going to try to begin to figure out a solution to...whatever it was that plagued you, to lift your spirits, he needed to know exactly what happened.  But, when Shinsou had asked if you had been involved, if you were alright...?

“You’re friends with her, right?  She didn’t really seem to want to talk about it when I asked her after the fact.  But I figure that’s just because I’m her teacher.  Maybe you should be the one to check in on her instead.  She might actually open up to you.”

Open up to him.  

And that was the problem wasn’t it?  Something that always seemed to stand right between the two of you, pushing you in separate directions - opening up to each other.  It was a thought that occurred to him as he watched you spin your spoon around in your soup, but refused to eat.  The two of you had no problems talking, especially you.  You talked a lot, and he...didn’t.  You suited him fine.  More than fine.  

But what is talking if you’re not saying anything?  What was the point of being friends if you couldn’t even rely on each other to keep a secret, to lean on each other when everything seemed so fucking terrible.  Had he done you a disservice, hiding things from you?  Had he given you the impression that you couldn’t come to him for something so small as a crush on...ah, for something really small?  Had you transitioned from “don’t want to bother him with something silly” to “I can’t talk to him anymore period”?

Shinsou had always been the more straightforward one.  Where you seemed to be an endless supply of needless conversation and seemed to always dance around subjects, Shinsou was the one who could give it to you as plainly as possible.  And you knew that.  You knew him better than anyone, could understand him better than anyone.  

So when he didn’t give it to you as honestly, as plainly as he could have, it would stand to reason that you would be sent tumbling.

Shinsou - I really miss you and I don’t want to be alone right now but I don’t know what to do I just wish you were here

The text had come as a surprise.  Shinsou had been trying to sleep, but it was a rare commodity those days.  His mind swirled with thoughts of you.  Of how much he missed just you.  Your laugh, your stupid jokes.  Everything was starting to feel so hollow when he heard that soft ding from across the room.  To say he scrambled towards his desk where the phone lay charging was an understatement.  

I really miss you.

You were screaming for him and he hadn’t heard it.  You were sinking further and further and yet here he was, wondering and waiting for some sort of sign on what to do.  How he could fix it - but later.  He’s not strong enough now.  He’s not ready.  After he’s done with Aizawa.  After he’s a hero.  After after after.  Always cautious, always testing the waters.  

I just wish you were here.

You never waited, never paused, never hesitated.  When Bakugou was kidnapped, you rushed home and came up with a plan of action.  When you wanted to talk to him, you marched from your dorms, almost got into a fist fight, just to talk.  You were reckless in all the best ways.  In all the ways that made him want to scream, to touch you, to praise you, to love...to love you.

“I would be able to sleep if you answered your phone once in a while.”

He gripped his phone and hated that he had to draw one hand up to wipe his eyes.  Hated that his chest ached and hated that you even had to ask him.

“I wish you would have answered me.”

No more.  You would never have to ask him again.

He couldn’t pull his shoes on fast enough.  Before Shinsou could stop, rethink if this was a good idea, he was outside and making his way towards your dorm.  If he couldn’t help you now, when you needed it the most, when you were asking for him to pull you out from the waters...

His heart didn’t have the right to ache for you as much as it did. 

The two of you had done this so many times, Bakugou was surprised that you weren’t in the kitchen when he finally got down stairs.  The moment he got to the ground floor and saw you hunched over on the couch, his body froze.  

He had been hoping to have a bit more time to think of what he wanted to say.

“Is it just me, or has she not been the same since coming back from the raid?”

“No, I noticed it too.”

“Should we ask her about it?”

The frog grew quiet for a moment.  Bakugou had to strain to hear her response from down the hall.  “I think she’ll open up when she’s ready.”  She said softly.  “If we try to push the issue before then, it might just make matters worse.”

“Yeah,”  Uraraka responded, “I guess you’re right.  Still...I’m just worried.”

Worried.  For you.  

He didn’t want to think about why he was down in the commons, so late at night.  He didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that seeing your shaking shoulders, hearing the fast gasps you were making, ripped his very state of being apart.  He watched you, eyes narrowed.

He didn’t like it.  He didn’t like that you were in this state at all.

“Hey.”

He expected you to jump - it was a good thing that you did.  He would drag you out of whatever rut you were in, kicking and screaming if he had to.  

You got to your knees, cursing under your breath and scrambling for whatever you had been holding.  Probably your phone.  Bakugou stepped around the couch, shoving his hands in his pockets.  “Figured I would find you down here.”

You didn’t pay him any attention.  In fact, as you tried to reach under the coffee table, you kept your head turned - enough to where he couldn’t see your face.  You kept cursing, kept trying to reach desperately.  He watched you for a moment, feeling the frustration rise up inside of him.  You were ignoring him.  Like he wasn’t even there.  Like he wasn’t standing in front of you.

“Hey!”

“SHHH!”  You snapped to attention, pressing a finger to your lips.  He tried not to stare for too long.  “Do you want to wake the whole dorm!?”

“You should be in bed.”

Your stare lingered on him, for just a moment.  He refused to break eye contact first, refused to back down from the daggers you were sending his way.  You let out a huff, going back to searching for whatever it was that you had dropped.  “Couldn’t sleep.”

Bullshit.  He could tell.  It was a fact that he didn’t like to pay much attention to: tiny mannerisms that caught onto his attention like a hook.  You generally were so bright, hardly ever short.  Low energy, but not tired?  Sure.

He waited another minute.  “The others just got home.”

The slight pause.  Heh - you were like a book.  So easy to read.  “Oh.”  You said so matter-of-factly.  In another beat, you were back to searching, still focusing your gaze on the far side of the wall.  “Yeah, I guess.”

“So unless you got sent back early, I doubt you’ve even had a chance to try and sleep.”

Your fingers clenched, your fist shaking against the granite top.  Your body pulled up and away, resting in a rigid position.  But you were still refusing to look at him; in fact, to ensure that he wouldn’t be able to see anything,  you put your face in your hand.  Still, you didn’t say a word, didn’t argue with him.  So he continued:  “I’m just saying, if you’re going to lie, at least keep track who you tell what.”

You didn’t respond.  And he wished it didn’t make him as angry as it did.  He wished that he had been able to stop the rage that bubbled in his stomach.  But he couldn’t.  He didn’t want you to hide anything from him.  He wanted you to feel comfortable telling him when something was hurting you.  After he laid it all bare for you a few weeks ago, you couldn’t be bothered to at least confide in him what the hell was going on in your tiny little world?

“...tch.”  Bakugou fingers slid under the edge of the coffee table.  “Grab the other side.”

You paused, turning to stare at him.  His eyes met yours and he saw so clearly how blood shot they were, your cheeks blotchy and burning.  You sniffled once, pushing a strand of hair back into place.  “Uh...wha?”

“Do you want your crap or not!?”

“Oh, yeah, uh...”  You pushed yourself up.  His eyes followed you as you stationed yourself on the other side like instructed.  “On three.  One-”

He didn’t bother waiting.  Up he lifted and you scrambled to meet him half way.

Just a little to the side - and the bright screen of your phone illuminated the living room.  It was closest to him, causing him to flinch just slightly when the glow blinded him.  He moved to grab it for you -

Before Bakugou could realize what was happening, your fingers brushed against his.  You both paused, your digits flinching away from him every so slightly.  He didn’t know if he should continue making the grab for it or if he should pull away.  He didn’t want to.  Your skin was so soft and warm and...

He could feel your eyes on him and almost was able keep his gaze away.  Almost able to hold off temptation.  But you were like that, weren’t you?  The light had dimmed, casting a soft glow over your features.  He wanted to look anywhere else - anywhere but at you.  But your eyes held his, demanded that he hold your attention.  He hated the soft sound that escaped him.  Hated the way his heart hammered in his chest as you stared at each other, fingers still touching ever so slightly.  

He shouldn’t feel this way about you.  But he did.

Bakugou pulled back with a grunt.  He could feel your eyes follow him as he stood back up and stepped away, away from you.  Why did you do this to him?  Why did you manage to make him the worst of himself?  Lord Explosion Murder - reduced to a sniveling little puppy, eager to please because a girl he kind of thinks is pretty sometimes makes him feel like he’s going to throw up.  

His fingers shook.  He shoved them back in his pockets to hide the evidence.

You plucked the phone off the ground and immediately hit the lock screen to turn the light off.  You were once against standing alone in the dark, though he could see you plainly.  Neither of you said a word.  He wished he could say something, not scream it but just say it.  His mind strained to find something meaningful to say to you, something catching or just enough to keep you distracted from your thoughts.  But you had the knack for words - he didn’t.  All he could do was leer at you, waiting for you to start conversation.  You always had something to say.  

You silently slipped your phone in the pocket of your skirt.  

There was something different about you.  A wall that was keeping you from him.  Maybe the girls’ concern for you had weight behind it.  You still didn’t look at him, eyes downcast.

He had hoped, that night in the kitchen, that things might have been different.  That maybe...someday...

“You got your damn phone.  Now go to bed.”  He turned on his heels and made his way back towards the stairs.  He was done.  He helped you out enough.  

Sometimes you were too much.  Messed with his head and pulled his mind in so many different directions, he forgot which way was up because right there with you was where he wanted to be. 

“Why do you want to be a hero?”

Your voice cut through the silence of the dorm like a knife.  He hadn’t expected you to speak up now, though it fit you.  Question, make him stay; just when he decided to leave.  And of course, because you asked him to stay - he would.

“What kind of stupid question is that?”

“Humor me.”

He regretted coming down here to talk to you.  He should have just stayed in the comfort of his room.  “Why?”

“Humor.  Me.”  

His eyes narrowed.  Even if you wrapped yourself around him, brought him to his knees and groveling in your steps, no one spoke to him like that.  He spun around, snarl behind gritted teeth.  Who the fuck did you think you were talking to?

Then he paused.

You were watching him and the hollow expression on your face shoved the rage back down into his stomach.  With just a glance, you quelled that fury.  Another noise, another shock. Then your eyes softened and your shoulders slumped.  You remembered where you were, who you were talking to...no...no, you had never been afraid to talk to him like that.  Never afraid to meet his attitude head to head.  So what was different now?  “Please,” You added on, quietly.

What the hell happened to you?

Why did he want to be a hero?  

“To be number one.”

“Is that it?”

I don’t know anymore.  He didn’t like this line of questioning.  Bakugou was a smart kid - he could tell this conversation wasn’t going to be like the last one the two of you had.  No tea, no gentle touches.  The wounds were infected now and he felt shame burrow deep.  You had something you wanted to say, but something else was keeping it trapped, holding you back from being honest with him.  “What are you getting at?”

You fell quiet, letting his eyes take you in.  With a sigh, you turned and sat back down on the couch.  Your body folded in on itself, your hands grasping your arms, shaking fingertips digging into the fabric of the white dress shirt you were wearing.  “Nothing.”  You said finally.  “Just...thinking.  About things.”

You thought a lot about a lot of things.  Perhaps a little too much for too long.  You were receding back into your thoughts, pulling away from him again.  While he didn’t enjoy the feelings that being around you brought, losing you to your own headspace wasn’t something he would do tonight.  Or...any night.  His feet carried him back to the couch.  With a groan he sat down beside you.  “Well, then say it out loud.”

You let out a laugh that sounded too much like a sneer.  “Yeah.  Okay.”

It took everything in him to not reach out and grab you.  “I’m being serious.”

“I know.”

He just wanted to fucking help you.  “So tell me.”

“Tell you what?”

Like you had helped him.  “Whatever the hell that’s going on.”

A moment passed before you pulled your eyes back to his.  Finally, you were back in the present - back in that room with him.  Suddenly, you were aware that he had stationed himself beside you, so close your arms were a breath away from each other.  And there was a moment of panic in your eyes.  

You smirked, “Oh, are you playing therapist now?”

“Shut up!”  He bellowed.  “And tell me what the hell is going on before I change my mind!”

Your laugh was bitter, but it was something.  You used your hands to push your hair back out of your eyes, “...okay.”  You started...then fell quiet again.  He could hear you swallow the regret, the shame, the fear.  He watched as you struggled to put to words everything spinning around you.  “I don’t think I belong here.  At all.”

There were a million things Bakugou would have thought you could have said.  That...wasn’t one of them.  He had never thought of you not here.  What would that look like?

“I look at everyone here: Kirishima and Uraraka and Tsu and Deku...and I just can’t seem to find a place to put myself.  Among the rest of our class.”  His brows furrowed as you spoke.  He watched as your expression shifted with each word - angry and bitter and lost and upset.  “Like, you all are able to keep your heads held high, keep looking forward and never seem to let things drag you down.  I...I just don’t think I can do that.  So...”  You shrugged, swallowing harshly.  “Maybe I don’t deserve to be here if I can’t handle it...not like everyone else can.”

This wasn’t about the raid - that was just a catalyst.  It obviously struck a chord with you.  

“That’s stupid.”  

Another laugh.  This one tear filled but honest; and so, so bittersweet.  “Yeah.  Yeah, you’re absolutely right.  It’s pretty pathetic, huh?”

“No, you idiot.  It’s stupid because you’re wrong.”

You stared at him, mouth agape.  Then, in a second, your eyes narrowed, your lips thinned and your expression darkened.  He couldn’t help but feel the pride bubble in his chest:  You had realized you weren’t going to avoid this.  Not with him.  Not when he could help you.  He closed his eyes, figured it best to keep you out of his sight until he finished.  

“Look, you moron.  If you want to be angry or sad about whatever the hell happened back there, fine.  Do it.  But what good is wallowing in your own self pity if you’re not going to do anything about it?!”

Your voice shook as you spoke.  “Okay fine - then what should I do, Bakugou?”

His eyes snapped open, lips parted in surprise at the question.  There was an edge to your expression, daring him to answer.  Daring him to suggest something.  Blow it up?  Yell at it?  Fight it until it gives up?  But where would you start?  It wasn’t a real person - you couldn’t threaten it to back down.  Eyes scoured the floor for a response, searched desperately to find something - a strand of advice - to give you.  But he had nothing.  

“Yeah,”  You moved, pushing yourself off the couch.  You snatched your bag with such force it almost swung around and hit him in the face.  “That’s what I thought.  You don’t have an answer either.”

Shit.  Shit. He watched you as you skirted past his legs, intent on burying everything again.  If he let this go - let you go - you might actually do it.  You might actually leave UA - leave everyone in Class 1-A, leave your dream, leave...him. 

“It’s fine.”  You added, making your way towards the stairs.  “I’ll be fine.”

But he knew that was a lie.  Everything about this situation was a lie.  You wouldn’t be fine if he let you go upstairs, left you along with those thoughts of inadequacy, and if you kept falling lower and lower...?

“Hey.”  

You paused in front of the elevator...then pressed the button, it’s soft white glow sending panic down Bakugou’s spine.  The only thing he could see of you in the dark was the back of your head, the way your chin dipped just so lightly to your chest.  You weren’t going to respond if he didn’t do something.  He didn’t want this conversation to end - not like this.  What would All Might say?  What would Kirishima say?  What would Deku say?

What would you say?

“You never told me:  Why did you agree to go on that raid?”

There was a moment of pause before you turned and glanced over your shoulder at him.  There was a confused expression on your face, your eyes scanning him to try and figure out just what he was playing at.  “I told you why I wanted to be a hero.”  It was a challenge.  Stay and face this.  “Now tell me why you went on that stupid raid.”

“Don’t get too worked up about this.”  Mr. Aizawa - no, Eraserhead - had said.  “The Big Three are one thing:  They’re strong enough to hold their own out there with the Pros.”  He called you all out by name.  Asui, Uraraka, Kirishima and you.  “You didn’t volunteer for this and you’re not obligated to participate.  It’s your call.”

It had been your call.  Your decision.  The Pros wouldn’t have shoved you into a situation you weren’t ready for.  The four of you had known that it was not necessary for you to go above and beyond what you had already done.  It was going to be dangerous, and you needed to not only be physically capable, but mentally as well.  

You should have waited, weighed the odds, thought about it for a moment longer.  

Your call.  Your choice:  Save a little girl who was in danger or back down.  Be a Hero or refuse to answer the call.

Well...the choice was simple than wasn’t it?

You hadn’t been capable.  You screwed up.  Once again jumping deeper into a situation than you should have.  You weren’t like your friends.  

You weren’t like them at all.

“Mr. Ai- I mean, Eraserhead!  After everything we just heard, I can’t imagine not helping out, sir!”

Someone who could raise their head and keep it held high.  Who could look danger in the eye and refuse to back down.

“Yeah, if you’re going to let us be apart of this, I’d like to pitch in however I can!”

Who saw someone and danger and threw themselves into the line of fire.  Who reached out a hand and kept holding on, long past the last scrap of energy was gone. 

"If I can use my power to help that girl even a little bit, then count me in Eraserhead!”

They were heroes.  You weren’t like them.

You stood up, nodding earnestly.  Your look was stern, your eyes hard as you looked at Eraserhead.  You were equals - at least in this moment.  “Yeah,  heroes save people - so I’ll do my best to make sure that girl is safe!”

You could feel Bakugou’s eyes pick you apart and put you back together.  Looking at him made you sick, made you want to crawl into yourself and rot.  But...with a soft sigh, your eyes casted up, trying to keep the tears from falling again.  You had thought you had done all your crying.  God, his face in the dark was a slight comfort.  His eyes practically glowed in the low light of the common room.  His dark t-shirt hung around his shoulders, his hair was a wild mess, sticking up in every direction.  And he just watched you.  No malice, no rage, just...waiting.  

Waiting for your answer.  

Why did you agree to join the raid?

To save that little girl.  Because that’s what heroes do. 

But...

“After my fight with Deku, you sat with me.  You didn’t have to do that either. So why?”

Arms gripping your hoodie, squeezing you for dear life.  His whole body trembled under your touch.  Tears as he begged for forgiveness that you couldn’t give him.  But you wanted to - because it would mean his pain would be put at ease.  If you couldn’t give him what he needed, what he longed for, you would at least be there for a moment longer than the tears would fall.  You just needed him to know he wasn’t alone.  You needed Katsuki Bakugou to know you were there for him, no matter what.

“And with the League attack?  You weren’t with Kirishima and them.  You went off on your own, to try and save me.  Why?”

They wouldn’t see how hard he worked.  How much he wanted to be a hero.  And if they hurt him, if he refused and the villains hurt him?  If they took that away from him…?  All of his hopes and dreams?

No.  No, you weren’t going to let that happen.  

You had to bite you lip to keep it from shaking.  Bakugou was listing off all your fuck ups as if they mattered.  As if they were helping his case.  As if they were something you should be proud of.  You considered telling him, making him aware that even in those moments, you still failed:  you got knocked out during the raid, during the fight with the villains, and that you hadn’t done much besides give him a hug in the kitchen.  You weren’t doing much.

Deep breath, look away.  His face was too much.  It was too honest, trying to grab at you and hold you still.  He could almost convince you that you did something besides hinder those who had a better chance of being a Hero.

“You do half the shit you do because you’re a good person.  You want to help people.”  Movement caused you to glance his way.  He turned to sit back down on the couch.  “As stupid as it is, I guess it’s pretty admirable.”

‘Pretty admirable’?  He - Katsuki Bakugou - thought it was admirable.  You opened your mouth, but after a long moment of silence found you had nothing to say, so you closed it again.  You hated that even without speaking, you were losing this fight.  “So does everyone else.”  You replied weakly.  It didn’t make you special.  It didn’t make you any different.

“That so?”

“Yeah.”

“Than wouldn’t that mean you belong here with all the other losers looking to be a Hero to protect people?”

Ding!

Behind you, the elevator opened.  

A soft gasp escaped your chest.  So...that’s what he was doing.  Leave it up to him to talk you around into a circle before shoving your argument back into your face...no, he hadn’t been nearly as harsh as you had expected.  He was speaking so softly to you, being as gentle as he knew how - which granted, wasn’t much, but appreciated none the less.  One shouldn’t look a gift explosion in the mouth.  

You looked at the elevator over your shoulder, stared at it’s open doors.  

You let them shut.

For the first time since that raid, you smiled.  Really, honestly smiled.  You set your bag down against the wall.  The walk back to the couch was the lightest you had felt in a long while.  You sat down next to him, resting your hands on your knees and one by one, you tapped your fingers against your skin.  With a deep breath, you felt your shoulders relaxed.  You weren’t surprised he was able to help.  “I guess...technically...using that logic...you’re not wrong.”

Bakugou scoffed, closing his eyes and tossing his head back.  “Of course I’m not wrong.”

You chuckled, shaking your head.  “How could I have ever thought to argue with you? Truly a futile effort to begin with.”

His smirk was quick, a slight twitch in the corner of his mouth before he grunted and looked away.  The prickly exterior he generally used to conceal himself was growing back into place and you couldn’t help but laugh.  You had been so wrapped up in your own bullshit that you almost forgot how much he made your heart skip.  As you looked over his profile, you realized that you were entirely thankful for Bakugou and not just in that moment.  You had been so stuck in your pit, sinking lower and lower that you didn’t think you’d ever get out of it.

But like everything, he broke the glass ceiling and shot through.  Only this time, he snatched you up and pulled your head to the surface.  Even if for a moment, you could breathe because he was holding your head above the water.  

You leaned over and bumped his shoulder with yours, nudging him warmly.  He ruined expectations again by waiting a moment before doing it back to you.  

He was so warm, his skin amazingly soft.  It lit your chest aflame and your cheeks grew pink - but you didn’t move.  The two of you leaned against each other but said nothing about it.  How did you find yourself here?  You had been close to him before but this was different in a way that didn’t seem to make any sort of sense.  And...you kind of like that it didn’t.  Because it didn’t have to.  You realized that sometimes, when it was just the two of you, as few as those “sometimes” may have been, you simply wanted it to just...be.  

You shouldn’t want to be so close to him, not now.  Would it be in poor taste?  Would he think less of you if he knew?  Did he know?  Did he feel the same way?  You were certain that if he looked over at you, looked into your eyes he would...at least see something.  You weren’t sure exactly what it was, but it was enough to cause your knees to knock and your chest to ache.  And you wondered if he would see how much your fingers longed to reach out and touch his body, draw him close and...  

But that didn’t matter.  Not now. 

You looked down at your hands.  If you...wanted to try...wanted to see if...this was something you could have, you would have to take the first leap.  Bakugou wasn’t going to do it.  He wasn’t going to be the one who dove head first.  But was now the perfect time?  Would there ever be a perfect time?  After having him strip your defenses, tear you down, build you back up - should you wait?

You spared another look, hoping that you might find confidence in his being.  

Your eyes met.  He was looking at you too.

No.  No, you weren’t waiting.  Katsuki Bakugou wasn’t someone you waited for.  If you were going to do this, see if he felt the same way you felt - all the crazy heart skips and lingering glances when the other wasn’t looking - you had to do this now.  

Gathering all your courage, you moved your hand and offered it to him.  His eyes tore away from your face then down at your open palm.  The universe held it’s breath, watched eagerly...as he slid his fingers between yours.  His calloused digits scratched at your skin lightly, his palms were a little clammy and...

Bakugou held you firm, grasping you tightly.  Desperate and scared and you remembered everything that lead you to this moment.

“That Bakugou kid likes you.”

Wild hair haloed in the setting sun peeking above the tops of overgrown trees.  Everyone around you disappears when his arms wrap around you.  He holds your hands, guiding the knife as he helps you chop.

“Out of all those losers, I was glad you were there.”

It felt like something was dragging you to him, tugging your body towards his.  He wasn’t stopping you, he wasn’t yelling or screaming or pushing you away.  He just watched, eyes narrowed and darkened under his hair.  Was he waiting to see what you would do?  Was he too scared to move on his own?  You reached out, gliding your fingers over his sandy blonde locks and brushing them out of the way so you could see his face.  Fingertips drifted down and over his cheek, trying to offer the same warmth he filled you with.  

Defiantly, a daring look in his eye, he pressed his cheek into your hand.  If you’re going to do this, then mean it.  Everything about him made you want to scream, drove you mad.  He always fought - and you saw now, that this whole time...he was fighting for you.  Fighting to let you know.  Had you been so entirely blind all this time?  

You wanted to say something, to let him know that you saw.  But words were wrong, thin, pointless and empty.  Nothing you could say would ever be enough to let him know how you felt.  So you would give all of you and hope that it was enough for him.

Without waiting another moment, you pressed your lips to his.  It was a deep and heavy action, one that he met with passion only he could muster.  You closed your eyes and lost yourself into his taste, the heat of his lips, his very presence.  It was a rush, one that sent you spinning - derailed all train of thought.  All that mattered was him.  All that lived in this universe was you and him.

His arm snaked around your waist, pulling you up and over him and you were happy to follow.  You didn’t dare break away, to lose the contact that you obviously both had been longing for.  Your fingers found their way into his hair, twisting and tangling.  Never once did he pull away - quite the opposite.  He met you, every press of your lips, every motion of want and desire, laid bare in front of both of you.  And as you felt his finger graze over the skin on your back, dipping under your dress shirt to set the nerves there on fire, you realized both of you were utter fools.

It’s an awful thing: knowing you’re not enough.  Wanting something so badly, but no matter how much you long for it, it still slips through your grasp.  Of knowing that nothing you could have done would have changed the outcome.

He should have stayed in his dorm.  He should have never looked at his phone.  He should have never told you about Bakugou.  

He should have never let you get so close.  

It was by chance he glanced at the window looking into the common room, hand poised in front of the door.  At first, he wasn’t exactly sure what he was looking at - two shadowed masses, one on top of the other.  But then, he saw your face.  His heart wrenched when you pulled away from Bakugou.  A scream locked in his throat the way you smiled at him, soft and loving.  He hated the look in your eyes as you ran your thumb over his lips, as he slid his fingers into your hair to pull you back for more. 

Something Shinsou couldn’t have.  Someone he wasn’t enough for.

He didn’t linger on the steps for too long.  He feared you would see him and then - then you would have to talk.  He wasn’t sure he would be able to handle that, not with Bakugou behind you.  

The walk back to the dorm was a long one and he was surprised he made it into his room without incident.  It was late enough though, most of his classmates were asleep and the rest had retired to their rooms.  No one knew he was gone.  His mind was utterly blank until the locked clicked shut.

He didn’t realize he had punched the wall until his hand pulled back, sliced open.  Blood pooled and ran down his arm.  But it wasn’t enough.  It didn’t stop him from replaying that scene in his head over and over again.  The way you two were looking at each other, the soft touches, gentle smiles...

He slumped to the floor and let out one pitiful sob.  

What was he supposed to do now?

Author’s Note:  I honestly watched Cats the 2019 musical and then wrote Shinsou’s part because I’ve been having a pretty good week honestly so I wasn’t in the headspace for honest disappointment.  

I just needed something to remind me that happiness is fleeting and something terrible and awful will usually come and destroy what you know and love most in this world.  Drag your joy through the mud until the only thing left is a shell of what once was.

...who let’s Hooper direct shit?

Anyway.  I do think I’m going to lead into a part 4 for this one.  I don’t know.  I’ll let you guys decide if you want something more lol since I’m interested in continuing it.  Especially given the newer chapters. 

Also eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey, kissing scene.  First real one on this blog anyway and not a kiss mentioned in passing.  And look, it only took me a year or so to do it. :)  I’m a fantastic mod of this blog who gives people what they want and doesn’t focus on stupid shit in the slightest why are you guys here you should have left me on the street corner where I was standing

Tag List!  If you want to be added, let me know!

@snaspants​ | @purplebellybell | @sxlenced-xf-lxvers​ | 

[caffernnn]

Ok but imagine haru with the rage of achilles if something really did happened to makoto. Haru ripping through the waters desperate to finish his heat, winning race after race without thinking about actually winning but catching after a hand that's supposed to be reaching out to him at the end, only to realize that there will be no one waiting for him at the starting block; hurrying up to finish his events and racing to arrive home yelling "tadaima" only to realize no one to call him back with "okaeri"; the meaning of swimming lost to him as he only wishes to crush anybody before him, because he is achilles who lost his patroclus, his better half, the one who reminds him who he really is, and he races like there is no tomorrow because he doesn't have anything to lose because his everything has already been lost.

Haru who exhausts himself to death because the only voice of reason he really listens to is no longer to be heard; refusing to sleep because the memories of a face he gazed at since forever haunting him whenever he closes his eyes, too close yet too far only to remind him he can no longer see that face once he opens his eyes; haru who longs for yet despises the smell of chlorine, the smell of someone so etched in his memory that he cannot intake ever again. He refuses to sleep in a bed too wide for his slender build, too cold without the embrace of a warm furnace that envelops his entire figure, him feeling like a puzzle with a missing piece slotting into plqce with his.

Haru as achilles without his patroclus who keeps him human. Haru without makoto who he will return to, to share a bath and late night swims with, who reminds him that swimming is not about the competition but the fun of being together in the water. Haru as achilles, whose only goal is to defeat anyone and everyone, and longing to be with someone who no longer exists. Haru as achilles who wishes to be with his patroclus, and nothing else matters as long as they're not together. Haru with the rage of achilles, an entity with no reminder of the human he once was.

Fuck this greek mythology brainrot I've been rereading the illiad over and over again with my favorite gay couple and with the new trailer I really can't help but correlate patrochilles with makoharu and think of an impending tragedy for our swimming soulmates since birth.

Oh this one hurts! It’d be like what we saw with Rin when he lost himself before/during season one — feeling steeped in grief and isolated from that ineffable thing that makes swimming more than just a means to an end for him. There are so many aspects of this that make me ache because trying to do any sort of healing would involve some of the hardest conversations.

Haru beating himself up in confusion because he always said he swam for his friends, and he did, for all of them, he swears. His swimming heart has been split and stored for safekeeping with his friends and teammates as he’s rediscovered and reinvented his motivation/dream over the past few years. He tried so hard to protect himself in subtle ways from his worst fear, giving himself a whole family to rely on no matter what… so why does not having Makoto by his side make him feel like he’s drowning?

Arguing with Azuma because he thought Haru was going to prove him wrong and not fall into hopelessness like he did. Haru argues in his rage that he’s being strong and “not quitting like you did,” and it doesn’t take long for Ryuuji and everyone else remotely close to Haru to see that this is almost worse than if he’d just quit or taken a break.

His friends are scared because they aren’t used to Haru falling into rage. Friends like Rin were always the ones to ignite in their despair, and friends like Sousuke kept trudging on in denial and/or spite of the problems. Haru was one who drew into himself anytime the world got too scary, isolating from people and water. Something in him must’ve broke this time around, because he isn’t looking at the world like it’s this overwhelming thing to hide away from — Haru wants to fight.

The situation sucks because Haru would have to be the one to ultimately pull himself together enough to stop punishing himself with racing/training/etc, but I wonder which friends would be crucial in keeping him afloat. Makoto’s position in all of this hurts because this isn’t just something that could happen with him dying; I can imagine Haru falling into this grief if something happened that made Makoto have to leave Tokyo and/or put his college career on hold indefinitely while he heals. It would break Makoto to hear about it all secondhand while stuck in Iwatobi, trying not to feel like it’s his fault when Haru’s shutting out the world again and insisting he’s fine on the few phone calls he answers. The Tokyo guys (Asahi, Ikuya, etc.) would be important because they’re the ones witnessing it all firsthand, who are close enough to see Haru and try to reach out face-to-face. I honestly think it’d have to be Rin and Sousuke who try to help him through it all, though — the rage mirrors too many of the emotions they both went through in the early stages of knowing about and struggling with Sousuke’s shoulder injury. I just know sitting Haru down long enough for them to talk about their old emotions and work through Haru’s fresh and confusing ones would suuuuck.

It hurts because even though the reaction is violent and confusing at first, it goes back to that self-sacrificing and punishing way makoharu deals with the impending tragedies they find themselves stuck in in so many universes. It’s this beautiful relationship because there are so many ways in that it feels seamless and soothing, but that stems from a lifetime of working to stay close and learning how to love each other. Their bond is built on an intensity that beckons despair because they’ve built each other so high up that you just know losing each other in any way would make them fall hard.

I hate the idea of anything actually happening to Makoto in the movies, I really do, but I’m still morbidly curious to see what Haru would do in the wake of it all: implode, or explode.

[khaleesiofalicante]

oh my god, Belial's dead...

like

dead dead

or as dead as you can get

a bunch of avatar enthusiastic kids killed a prince of hell...

holy shit

WHAT ABOUT TESSA

For some reason, they all looked at Rafael.

He had missed that.

People trusting him. People relying on him. People looking for his guidance.

IT IS RAFE'S POV

I just saw the song rec's Achilles come down...

😄

he's back...im gonna cry

PLEASE SOMEONE NEEDS TO GET HIM CAUGHT UP

Of course, it had been Georgia. He pulled his cousin closer and hugged her tightly, lifting her off the ground. “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”

AWWW OMG THEM

“I was supposed to save her,” Rafael said with a small smile. “But she saved me.”

“But you did save her Rafael,” Selena said earnestly. “You saved everyone. If you hadn’t broken the Covenant and done those tests, we would have never gotten here.”

just...him

im so...im going to cry I missed him so damn much

but seriously though, why do the good ones get branded as the bad ones and the bad ones get away with shit

“I can’t believe all this suffering happened because of Raziel,” Rafael said hotly. “Immature piece of shit.”

EXACTLY

STUPID BASTARD

“Selena. It’s David,” Max chuckled. “You could kill him for real and he would still not hold it against you.”

someone protect him

FINE I'LL DO IT

“You can have the whole damn thing,” Lexi said sincerely. “I’ll cut off my wings and give them to you if you asked.”

OH MY GOD, THIS IS SO-

I need better friends

“A toenail,” Lexi said dryly.

“Or saliva,” Georgia shrugged.

or something a little more dignified

but someone please check on Tessa

max what is it??

THE SEASHELL

BUT LEVI GAVE IT TO YOU

OH

OH

OH

HAIR

discord sent me a message and told me to calm down and that I was sending texts too fast...

“We don’t,” Max said. “But I…I don’t think Leviathan would lie to me.”

“Right,” Selena said dryly. “Because princes of hell are known for their honesty.”

right? how could I forget

“So, you are an eldest curse, huh?” Rafael said, his throat seizing up with tears. “You are such an attention hoe.”

“You literally died while I was grieving my boyfriend,” Max pointed out. “If anyone is an attention hoe, it’s you.”

OH MY GOD I MISSED THESE TWO SO MUCH

well now I am crying for completely different reasons but not the point

But Rafael couldn’t focus on any of those things.

He could only focus on the two people standing at the very end of the main hall.

The moment Rafael’s eyes fell on them, he ran.

He ran to them like he had his whole life.

One moment, he was running – pushing and shoving people out of his way.

The next, he found himself back home.

In the arms of his parents.

OH MY GOD HE'S HOME

HE'S BACK

HE'S ACTUALLY BACK

im crying

For they were his everything.

His everything. His light. His love.

JSZUIUISDHUID SCREAMING

not really because it's 12 47 am

BUT SCREAMING

their reunion is the whole reason im staying up on a Tuesday night when I have school in the morning

I can't even skip tomorrow 😭

“You are not allowed to die again,” bapak said – very seriously.

Rafael laughed.

Then dad joined the hug, clutching the two of them tightly.

the pain is so good

it's good pain.

hurts all the same though

but omg them...

he's home

ANJALI

Y'ALL IT'S HER

To say her name. To feel it on his lips.

But it wasn’t just a name to him.

It was a prayer. A promise. An oath.

I have decided to not settle for anything less

this is so beautiful. their love

Anjali turned around and glared at the Consul.

She glared at the fucking Consul.

oh my god queen

He realized how much pain she must have been in. And he realized that he had caused her that pain.

It almost hurt as much as dying.

THEIR LOVE

I LITERALLY DO NOT HAVE WORDS ANYMORE

“I didn’t ask for a fucking apology, Santiago,” Anjali growled. “Where is my fucking kiss?”

THERE IT IS

I WAS WAITING

this is the single most romantic shit I have ever read

AMOR

HE CALLED HER AMOR

“Did any of these other suitors come back from the dead just so they can kiss you?” Rafael asked, pressing a kiss to her collarbone.

AHHHH

“Do you think you’d be a little nicer to me when we start dating?” he asked, kissing her behind her ear.

“Not a fucking chance,” she replied.

He chuckled at that. “Good.”

ONE OF MY FAVORITE THING IN BOOKS IS WHEN THE MC SLOWLY KISSES THEIR WAY TO THE LOVE INTEREST'S LIPS LIKE IT'S SO SWEET

AND IT'S IN HERE

Im hungry.

“If you don’t kiss me right now, I’m going to throw you out of the fucking window,” Anjali said.

“There are no windows in the Sanctuary,”

AHHHHH OH MY GOD

He knew Anjali was the least fragile person to exist. But he held her gently anyway.

For she carried his heart inside her. So, he wanted to be careful.

IM ACTUALLY GONNA COMBUST SO MANY FEELINGS

pinning these two lines

It overwhelmed him.

The fact that he was actually kissing Anjali.

The fact that she wanted him just as much as he did.

The fact that he was here – that he was back.

The fact that he could do it in again – in the next five minutes, the next hour, next day, next week.

He realized that he gets to be the one to kiss her for the rest of her life.

He realized that he gets to kiss her like this for the rest of his life.

And suddenly, Rafael was so, so glad he wasn’t dead anymore.

im literally speechless. I don't even know what to say...it's so so beautiful

It wasn’t the Accords Hall kiss he had hoped for.

But it was everything.

IM GONNA CRY

fuck

fuck fuck fuck

council meeting...

What was more surprising was that it had been Rafael who had called for the Council meeting.

His son – his baby – his come back from the dead and hugged all of them (and even kissed certain people apparently) and had called for a meeting as if he did this every other week.

he's back. he's home...

ALSO, ALEC SAID "my baby" WHEN HE GOT BACK

rafe is gonna be such a great leader...

I can't fucking believe some people

Magnus had never really been attached to Idris in any way. But there were some good memories attached to the place.

The memory of Alec kissing him in the Accords Hall.

The memory of them finding Max.

im making noodles

I MEAN YES GOOD MEMORIES

“Jace,” it was Jem who spoke up – his tone careful. “If you want to put this behind you and keep moving forward, then you need to admit that it happened. A part of doing that is ensuring the world knows what happened and what did not. We all know rumors can destroy lives. Let’s not make Selena’s life any harder, okay?”

he's right...

we need to get this over with now

A chorus of excited yelling and hooting went around the room. Someone even yelled ‘fuck yeah, go Georgia!’. Even Alec looked a little thrilled by all of it.

RIGHT??

LET'S ALL CELEBRATE GEORGIA LIGHTWOOD LOVELACE

OUR PRECIOUS GEM

“Maybe Asmodeus has hair fall problems.

PLEASE-

I got my food

Personally, Magnus, who had watched generations of nephilim do the same thing, had found it to be a little hypocritical.

But since his own children had been a part of that team, he had understood the reaction. He had understood the fear.

thank you for being the rational one

alec you had a panic attack???

“Wait,” the man had said after a while. “Does this mean you and Max are related?”

“He is my son,” Magnus had pointed out incredulously. “Of course, we are related.”

“Our son,” Alec had corrected with a smile. “Fuck Leviathan. Max is ours.”

“Max is ours,” Magnus had whispered, clutching his husband tightly.

EXACTLY FUCK LEVIATHAN

MAX IS THEIRS

He knew what the children had achieved was incredible and next to impossible. He knew they had made history today.

He knew that the nephilim were feeling invincible right now, having defeated and successfully killed a prince of hell.

He knew they were currently riding that euphoria and were feeling like they can take over the world.

yes but they CANNOT fight Asmodeus feeling like this

they feel invincible. you don't fight a prince of hell with that attitude

Plenty doesn’t even begin to cover it, Magnus thought. God, they had no idea what they were getting into.

exactly.

im worried.

this is suicide

“I cannot say if this is wise or not,” Alec answered honestly. “All I can say is that if the roles were reversed, if it had been any one of you, David would be marching to hell right now.”

YES

HE WOULD ALREADY BE THERE BARGAINING WITH HIS LIFE

HAS SOMEONE CHECKED UP ON TESSA???

HAS ANYONE TOLD CAMILA HE'S ALIVE??

“We have each other,” Rafael said. “That’s what matters.”

“That’s a sweet sentiment, boy,” Kingsley sneered. “But I am afraid sentiment is not going to get you through battle.”

I can't believe im about to agree with Kingsley

OH TESSA IS ALIVE AND WELL

These stupid nephilim.

yes.

MAGNUS NO

NO SELF SACRIFICE

“Bapak!” Rafael gasped and pulled himself away from the girl. “Uh. Anjali needed help with something.”

Magnus smiled at that. “With her lipstick?”

JHSDYUHFDYUUYIDFDJHUDHUD SCREAM

I CHOKED ON SPICY NOODLES FUCKS

BURNS

Ah yes. When the sphincter at the top of the stomach said "yeah no" and the food got pushed up into the esophagus

it has a name...

idr

“You’re scared,” Rafael said softly.

Magnus looked up at that. Rafael had always been good at reading people.

“Anjali was dying, and I almost lost everything trying to save her,” Rafael said quietly. “And you are scared Max is going to do the same.”

“I don’t want him to get hurt,” Magnus whispered. “I’m just trying to help him.”

He's back now...

“Just because we can help people, it doesn’t mean we should,” Rafael said gently. “Sometimes people need to help themselves. And we need to let them.”

WHAT

RAFE YOU ARE RIGHT YES I AGREE

BUT

THEY ALREADY TALKED AND DECIDED???

FUCK NO

MAX NO

no no no

alec's gonna fucking lose it

don't

don't please don't go

Max looked up at that. His face sad now. “You sometimes don’t realize how much you mean to other people, bapak.”

Maybe.

he means so much to all of us

don't go

“I tried to write Alec a letter,” Magnus said, his voice breaking. “But, uh, I didn’t really know what to say. Will you tell him though? Tell him I am sorry.”

I am sorry for leaving you.

I am sorry for ending our story this way.

I am sorry for giving up.

I am sorry for bringing this pain to our family.

STOP FOR FUCK'S SAKE NO

I cant please no

There was so much he wanted to say to his son.

Don’t let the nephilim get you down.

Always listen to Ragnor – even when he is annoying.

Eat more vegetables. Not just protein.

Remember to tell David you love him. Every day.

Watch out for Rafe. He thinks with his heart now.

Love Alec. Love him so much that he won’t miss me.

He wanted to say so much. So much. But he couldn’t figure out which ones were most important.

don't leave...please

im crying stop, please

There were things he wanted to say. Things he wanted to do.

He wanted to tell Alec to go on that vacation – even without Magnus.

He wanted to ask Rafael to never be afraid to follow his heart again – maybe not get killed again too.

He wanted to tell Ragnor thank you – for everything.

He wanted to tell his friends that he loved them and that he was grateful for everything they had given him and showed him.

He wanted to tell the kids to be good – and to keep being so badass and make Uncle Magnus proud.

He wanted to tell Chairman to be a good boy.

He wanted to tell Max not to feel guilty – about any of it.

He wanted and wanted and wanted.

Now that he realized he no longer had any time left, he suddenly wanted so much.

STOP IT I CANNOT READ FURTHER

NOT WHEN IT'S MAX DOING THIS

FFS DON'T

JUST DON'T

WE'LL FIND A WAY

anything but this

max don't do this

please

MAX NO PLEASE

PLEASE DO NOT

the talk with rafe hurt so much

please don't do this

he's going alone???

max...

max what are you doing

“We are thrilled, actually. Lilith almost send the New York Institute a fruit basket,” Asmodeus chuckled.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

IDFC YOU'RE A PRINCE OF HELL

HE'S YOUR BROTHER

“Then how did you manage to translate is not general incivility the very essence of love?”

David put the book away. “Do not quote Pride and Prejudice at me, Max Lightwood-Bane. You know what it does to me.”

“Oh, Elizabeth,” Max said dramatically. “My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.”

“Max,” David said seriously, although the blush on his face was giving away his act. “Stop that.”

DAVID YOU AMAZING ANGEL

David could never hate you

no matter what you did

DAVID YOU'RE A FUCKING GIANT

“The thing!” Max laughed. “You do this thing when you are frustrated – which admittedly doesn’t happen a lot because you are a paragon of patience and understanding. But sometimes when someone pushes you too much, you do this thing. You push your hair back from your face with a single hand. You just…You just thread it back and it goes through your fingers and shit, and it slips through your fingers like water, and you bit into your lower lip and the hair just stays there and it’s just…it’s perfect.”

that is so freaking cute how he noticed that

im sorry, he passed out after seeing David naked for the first time?

I just opened a height comparison chart

gimme a sec

oh my god he's so tiny

“Do you know what stops me?”

“Possible imprisonment?” David asked dryly.

Max chuckled. “You.”

WHAT THEY HAVE DFUHDUFHIUIHDRG

sigh looks like im not sleeping tonight

“I don’t know what that feels like,” David said when he finally spoke.

Max frowned in confusion.

“Not love you,” David clarified. “I don’t know what it feels like to not love you.”

“Oh,” Max said.

“I have loved you from the very beginning. Each day a little more, but never any less,” David said softly. “I don’t remember a day I wasn’t in love with you, Max. So, I don’t know what that feels like. Because since the day I started loving you, I haven’t stopped. I don’t plan to stop. Ever. Do you understand me? It doesn’t matter how crazy you get. I won’t stop.”

oh my god, this...

I love their love

WHAT HUH

WHY IS DAVID SCREAMING

EXPLAIN

Asmodeus chuckled. “Well, for starters he was the least likely to cause trouble. I mean look at the boy, he isn’t even bothered he is in hell. He doesn’t fight back. He doesn’t try to escape. David is no threat to me.”

Most people thought that of David.

They thought he was gentle and careful and soft and harmless.

David was all things of course.

But he was something else too.

He was a lover.

He loved and loved and loved – with everything inside him.

And people who loved that much were truly the most dangerous of them all.

For love was the biggest strength and greatest weakness.

In that sense, Asmodeus should be afraid of David more than anyone else.

I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND YES

YES YES YES

He hated when people pitied siblings against each other - comparing them and antagonizing them and distancing them.

RIGHT????

I mean yes I want to kill him but I will also always have his back

MAX NO DO NOT SAY THAT ALOUD

NO, STOP IT

I AM GONNA CRY

SOMEONE STAB ME I WANNA SEE IF IT WOULD HURT LESS

David thought of that moment as the one he had fallen in love with Max – when he had realized ‘this is it and he is it’.

AWWW

He had seen a sad face and used his magic to make them smile.

David had always cherished people like that. People who used their power for good. People who made others smile without expecting anything in return.

right? they are something else

IM GONNA SCREAM-

PLEASE NOT MAGNUS

FUCK EVERYTHING

IDC ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE RIGHT NOW

“Magnus took away your magic,” Asmodeus said. “And now that Rafael is back, he would barely even remember you.”

NO

THAT IS NOT FUCKING TRUE

BUT YOU WON'T KNOW THAT WOULD YOU?

what do you know of love and good parenting anyway?

max

max wtf did you do

im actually stunned

I think I might just end up skipping school...

I mean the junior classes are doing a Christmas play where we are invited and there is our concert to prepare for and EDCC and chemistry equations we'll do tomorrow but it's mostly extracurricular...

I can skip...

I need a day to comprehend this

NO

PLEASE MAGNUS NO

Tell me this is a trick. something they came up with early on

“You command me to get on my knees and demand willingness?” Magnus hissed. “You really are a fucked-up piece of shit.”

YES HONEY TELL HIM

Magnus is being his sassy self yes

im trying to convince me everything's fine

MINA

OH MY GOD MINA

IT WAS MINA

IM GONNA-

OH MY GOD

I ACTUALLY SOBBED OUT

MAX WHAT ARE YOU DOING

FUCK

“I realized he is scared of you,” Max hissed. “My father. Magnus Bane. The best thing to happen to the shadow world. He is scared of a piece of shit like you. You did that to him. You haunted him his entire life.”

“He is my son!” Asmodeus yelled.

“And he is scared of you!” Max yelled right back. “Children are not supposed to be terrified of their parents.”

it's a horrible feeling and not something a child should feel all the time. you did that to him

“He is my son,” Asmodeus said again. “He belongs to me.”

alright Aegus calm down

that was the name of Hermia's father right? from midsummer night's dream

idk this reminded me of this

“My bapak has only ever shown me love,” Max whispered. “I know what it feels like to grow up safe . My father never had that and he never will – not as long as you exist!”

“Your father took your magic,” Asmodeus said incredulously.

“I know how fucked up that is,” Max said. “But I also know what it means to be terrified. I know what it means to love and to forgive. I know what it means to be human. You will not understand any of this.”

I knew I could trust you max...

I had genuinely lost faith in you actually

but we make crazy choices when we're scared

not an excuse though

max what are you doing

max stop it that is enough

“He is pissing him off,” Mina whispered next to him in horror. “Max is trying to piss off Asmodeus.”

WE REALIZED MINA

leviathan yes indeed

oh my god smart ass

he's so smart but oh my god WE COULD DO THIS WITHOUT CAUSING A HEART ATTACK THIS IS NOT AN INDIA VS PAKISTAN CRICKET MATCH MAX

NO NEED TO MAKE OUR HEARTS RACE

so many shadowhunters

they came

they came oh my god

Max hadn’t just brought his friends to Edom.

Max had brought the entire shadow world.

i am about to scream

that was so fucking cool

MAX YOU OK?? THE DREAM! MAGNUS' DREAM

if he ends up dying after all this istg

Me reading your chapter reactions is basically how I reread the chapter before doing the chapter setting for the next one lmao.

So thank you for your service ily.

[fedtothenight]

What is going ON!?!! Please elaborate on the kiss for a non-Italian djhggg

OK LET ME JUST PICK MY WIG UP FROM THE GROUND. Achille Lauro, dressed by Alessandro Michele, made a point for all the festival nights to come on stage referencing great personalities of the arts: St. Francis, David Bowie (Ziggy Stardust), heiress Luisa Casati and finally Elizabeth I. During the cover/duo nights, he sang a song written by a woman titled “Men never change”, Gli uomini non cambiano, staying one step behind Annalisa, the woman co-singer for the night. 

He’s worn “gendered clothing” on live television, in front of millions of Italians who just--who just don’t accept anything other than traditional masculinity and femininity, who, he knew that, were going to hate him for that; he stated, himself, that he’s disgusted by men’s attitude against women, that he stands against gender binary, that each and everyone of his performances were a stand against toxic masculinity as he sang a song called “Me ne frego” (I don’t care). And then yesterday he went on stage like this, right, and everyone in the room, and in Italy, stopped breathing:

(x)

Then he just... started singing and like... at this point, it’s been three nights, we’ve SEEN the tension with the guitarist, Boss Doms, and he just... STARTED GRINDING AGAINST HIM? (x)

And I’m not sure whether Italians realised what was happening but THERE IS NO PURE EXPLANATION FOR THIS BECAUSE HE’S LITERALLY MIMING A BLOWJOB. (x)

AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING WITH THE CAMERAMEN BUT THE DIRECTION WENT HOME WITH THIS SHOTS. FUCK 1917. THE ACADEMY AWARD FOR BEST DIRECTION GOES TO:

At this point, we’re sweating. The director of TV channel this was being aired on was also sweating, because he knew, right in that moment, that this alone was going to give me that 60% tv channel share (it did). We don’t know what the fuck can happen. And then this happens. Achille - whom we all thought had sub energy -- goes ahead and chokes Boss Doms (more like, Boss Subs): (x) We were wrong. We were dead wrong. And like, I don’t know if Italians realised, but that’s chocking. That’s Dom/Sub 101 shit and we are all dying by this point. 

Now, at this moment, we’re all thinking, Is he going to do it? Is he? because people have been saying they’re gonna kiss for three days, right. We are gripping the edge of our seats. We are clenched. And oh boy, oh boy, yES. HE DOES.

WE DEAD. ITALY DEAD. ITALIANS FOUND DEAD. THE KISS WE WERE WAITING FOR, BUT THE REST???? WE DIDN’T. WE ARE STILL DLYING THROUGH THE STRATOSPHERE. ACHILLE LAURO SAID FUCK TOXIC MASCULINITY FUCK HOMOPHOBIA FUCK THE BIGOTS.

WATCH THE PERFORMANCE HERE: (x)

[lukecastellandeservedbetter]

20. Ghosted

a/n: keep a watch on my page because I’m going to be doing a near-essay about why Hermes kids are somehow the most and least powerful demigods at the same time thanks. Also here’s a reminder that I didn’t forget about this fic, and a double reminder that Luke and Percy are most definitely brothers and this is a little bonding time for them while the rest of the crew are off on their own adventures.  

read the others!: Masterlist

When Percy recounted the story, and told them to head to Charleston, Luke couldn’t help but groan. 

“What’s wrong with Charleston?” Piper asked him with a raised eyebrow. 

“It’s a real nasty place, with a lot of ghosts.” He sighed. “I ran into some trouble when I was there last time.” 

“For the Titan Army?” It wasn’t a mean question, just an honest one from Percy. “Do we have to worry about army rejects? Or supporters?” 

“No,” Luke shook his head. “I was like, 11 last time. But it doesn’t make it any less annoying to go back.” 

“I have so many questions.” Leo said, staring at Luke. 

“We don’t have time to answer them.” Annabeth interrupted. “Jason, you also seem uncomfortable with Charleston.” 

“Yeah did you also get chased by ghosts?” Percy teased. 

“I wasn’t chased by ghosts-!” Luke started to protest, but Annabeth held her hand up, effectively cutting him off, looking pointedly at Jason, who awkwardly recounted his quest with Reyna, casting apologetic glances to his girlfriend, who seemed just as uncomfortable. 

“Alright, girls trip to this ghost that Reyna spoke to then,” Annabeth looked at Hazel and Piper, who nodded. “And Jason, you’ll lead a group back to the museum.” 

“I wanna check out the cool weapons!” Leo grinned. 

“Frank, you should also come, since you’re a son of Mars.” Jason added. 

Frank seemed uneasy about heading so soon on another quest, but he agreed nonetheless. 

“That leaves Percy, Luke and Hedge on board,” Annabeth observed, then frowned. “How do you keep lucking out on missions?” 

Luke shrugged. “My talents haven’t really been needed, so I haven’t really gone.”

“What exactly are your talents?” Piper inquired, raising her eyebrow. “Besides Swordsmanship.” 

Luke shrugged again. “Hermes' kids talents aren’t big, or flashy because they shouldn’t be. They’re meant to be sly and sneaky and in the shadows. I spent years on the run before I got to camp. I can pick any lock in an instant. I’m also quick, and good with directions. We have our own form of Charmspeak I guess.” He paused. “And recently I found out I can play the lyre surprisingly well, so if we ever need that, we’re set.” 

“You’re kidding, right?” Leo laughed. 

“I would never lie about something as serious as the lyre, Leo.” Luke said deadpanned. 

Leo’s face dropped in surprise and he was left sputtering for a moment before the crew dissolved into a well deserved laughter. The tension that always seemed to lurk around the corner lifted a little, letting the demigods relax just for a moment. 

“And the Achilles Curse.” Percy added. “You still have that.”

“Yeah but that isn’t Hermes related.” He pointed out. “It’s just… me related.” 

“Can we get back to the plans please?” Annabeth drew everyone’s attention back as they laid out the groundwork for the plans. 

The next day everyone left early in the morning, and Coach Hedge was still sleeping. 

This left Percy and Luke bored in the mess hall. 

“Why don’t we go explore?” Percy offered. “Just take a walk around?” 

Luke looked up at him from his book and raised an eyebrow. “Are you crazy?” 

“It’s just us, that shouldn’t be enough smell to attract any monsters.” He pointed out. “Come on, please?” He begged. 

“Percy I don’t want to go walk around Charleston-”

“That’s right, I forgot you’re afraid of Charleston.” Percy huffed and flopped onto one of the big comfy chairs. 

“I am not afraid of Charleston.” Luke protested, glaring at Percy. 

“Yeah, yeah, sure, whatever you say.” Percy waved his hand absentmindedly, looking at the walls that displayed Camp Half-Blood. 

“I am not!” Luke closed his book and tossed it aside, standing up. “Get up.” 

“Why?” He raised his eyebrow. 

“We’re going to explore Charleston.” Luke grumbled and headed out to grab his dagger from his room.

They snuck off the ship just fine and headed into town, down to the Charleston City Market. 

They had very limited money, so they tried not to spend too long at any one stand, smiling and greeting merchants and other shoppers. It was a warm and calm day, and despite the welcoming atmosphere, Luke seemed a little on edge. 

“What is with you?” Percy whispered to him. “Seriously dude, calm down. I don’t see any ghosts.” 

“Not yet.” He mumbled, his eyes scanning the crowd. 

Percy watched his friend with worry. He was starting to feel guilty about basically forcing Luke to go out on an adventure through the city with him, especially when it had such unpleasant memories for the older demigod. He cleared his throat as they continued through the crowds. “So, anything happen with that girl?” 

Luke looked at Percy, surprised. “What?” 

“The girl. From the candy shop?” He prompted, looking at a dyed blue leather bracelet curiously on one of the stands. “What was her name? Sophie?” 

Luke couldn’t help the blush creeping up his neck. “I uh,” He fiddled with another leather cuff, this one brown and aged. “Sort of?” 

“Sort of?” Percy repeated. 

“Yeah, sort of. We had a date planned.” Luke shrugged. “At least I think it was a date.” 

Percy looked at him, his eyebrows raising so high they nearly disappeared beneath his shaggy black hair. “And how did it go?” 

“I don’t know, I didn’t go.” The older demigod fished in his pocket for some cash, handing it to the merchant who gave him the bracelet in his hand, as well at the blue one Percy had been eyeing. 

Percy looked exasperated. “What do you mean you didn’t go?” He demanded.

Luke handed Percy his and put his own on carefully as they walked. “Something came up.” Luke shrugged, strangely reluctant to tell Percy that his disappearance caused Luke to miss the date. 

Luke knew Percy felt guilty about disappearing, even if it wasn’t his fault. Between Annabeth, who Percy was currently with, and Sally who Percy couldn’t contact in case it tipped off the Romans, Luke knew the son of Poseidon was having a rough time adjusting to the merging of his old Greek life and his new, shorter Roman one. Percy would often wear hoodies around the ship to cover the tattoo that burned like a reminder of the time that he was gone from Camp, from their lives. He didn’t want to add this burden on him, on top of everything else.

But Percy wasn’t having it. 

“What do you mean something came up?” He scoffed, struggling to tie the bracelet on. 

“Well…” Luke trailed off, turning to Percy when they got out of the flow of traffic to help him tie the bracelet on. 

Percy was smarter than anyone gave him credit for. 

“Let me guess, your best friend disappeared off the face of the earth and you had to go save his sorry ass?” Percy asked, admiring the new bracelet. 

“Who said you were my best friend?” Luke scoffed, but deep down, he knew it was true. 

Percy rolled his eyes as they headed over to one of the candy stands. Luke picked out some sour cherries, and Percy grabbed some blue raspberry sours. They were quiet for a moment, Percy opting to pay this time. 

The boys took their treats and headed out, making their way back to the ship. 

“Thank you.” Percy said after a long silence. 

“For what?” Luke looked at him confused. 

“For coming to find me.” He said softly. “And the bracelet. And exploring Charleston, even though you’re afraid of ghosts.” 

“I’m not afraid-” Luke sighed, before cutting himself off and shaking his head. “Of course I’m coming after you idiot, you said it yourself, you’re my best friend. Besides, I wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for you. You saved my ass, so it was my turn.” He shrugged, popping a sour cherry into his mouth. 

“And I’m sorry you missed your date.” Percy added. 

“Well, if I’m lucky I’ll get another chance when we get back.” He shrugged again. 

Percy nodded and thought for a moment. “Why are you so antsy about Charleston?” 

Luke groaned. “I was like, 11, and this kid comes up and starts messing with me so finally I tell him to fuck off and he gets spooked because he didn’t realize I could see him and then he gets a couple of his ghost friends and they run me out of town.” 

Percy raised his eyebrow. “So you were chased by-”

“Yes Percy I was chased by ghosts!” Luke cut him off irritably. “Next time you go missing, I’m going to leave your ass to Rome.” He huffed. 

“No you won’t.” Percy reminded him. “Mom would kill you.” 

“You’re right. She is one scary lady when she wants to be.” He sighed and glanced at Percy. 

His resolve broke and he chuckled, shaking his head and ruffling Percy’s hair. “Seriously, it’s good to have you back man.” 

“It’s good to be back.” Percy grinned back, swatting Luke’s hand away. “And just for the record I would save your ass from the Romans any day.” He told him, fixing his hair.

“Good.” Luke nudged him. “I’m gonna change and do some practice, alright? I’ll catch you at dinner.” 

Percy nodded and headed off to his own room. 

Luke waited until Percy had disappeared before glancing over the edge of the ship. Standing on the greenery below was the same young, translucent boy from when Luke had been there over a decade ago, staring up at Luke with an unreadable expression. Luke raised a hand, waving to the kid. The kid, in turn, waved back after a moment, before disappearing entirely. 

[caligulalotus]

@axiolotl​ ok so im putting this in it’s own post because i dont want to clog people’s dashes but hehehehe

This is under read more cause it got longer than I thought it was gonna be

So The Lucky One serves two purposes as the opening of one of my playlists. Usually I’ll make the first song one that either encompasses the character’s whole journey/nearly all of it, or I’ll put something that lays out the very start of their character arc, and The Lucky One does both of those, as it’s a song about becoming disillusioned with the industry one is a part of. So the opening verses serve young and happy go lucky York Silk, and the song shows the rest of his journey. The last verse I think covers his final season in Seattle SUPER well, actually, and I’m trying to make an animatic out of that.

There actually is only one other song in the pre-shell era not because I don’t have many thoughts about York’s character in that part of his life, but because I don’t know many songs that fit it. Are You Satisfied? fits the disillusionment York would come to experience (” Was I meant to feel happy that my life/Was just about to change?”), and also, the thing that I touched on in my latest fic (cough cough) about feeling like his lack of physical change doesn’t reflect what he’s been through (”'Cause it's my problem if I want to pack up, and run away/It's my business if I feel the need to smoke, and drink and sway/It's my problem, it's my problem/If I feel the need to hide/And it's my problem if I have no friends, and feel I want to die”)

I tried to use Garages songs about York to showcase the beginnings of new eras because there was a suprising amount of songs about York, actually. Our Dork is specifically about him being in the shell, so it is the start of the shell part, basically. “Look Who’s Inside Again” is the next one and is very literal here. I used it both because he’s literally stuck in the shell, and because of “When you're a kid and you're stuck in your room/You'll do any old shit to get out of it/Try making faces/Try telling jokes, making little sounds” because I do think being a child star has fucked York up quite a bit :). I think he feels like he always has to put on a performance of like... being fine, even when he’s not. I’m Gonna Win and 2econd-2ight-2eer are technically shell, but they’re specifically a song for each Pods fight. I thought York needed some vaguely evil songs. He deserves it. I chose I’m Gonna Win for the season 9 fight because it’s got a lot of confidence in the lyrics but it’s also a lot about how much everything sucks all the time. (”It’s hard to fulfill everyone’s expectations/It’s hard to keep up with the rest.../ I’ll never lose, I’ll never die/You’ve seen me before, you’ll see me again/I’ll never give up, I’ll never give in”). 2econd-2ight-2eer is more “going bonkers and having fun with it”, so I think it reflects The Shelled One’s carelessness during the second fight, which I think transfered over to how the Pods played, overconfident and risky. Also the line “The devil made me do it but I also kinda wanted to” just has REALLY fun implications.

The next three songs are post-the final pods fight but before York dies. I put Seventeen on this playlist because I put it on literally every playlist I make for a character between the ages of 15-18. I just think it is neat. I Bet On Losing Dogs doesn’t have a lot of analysis to it , because it is just there because it makes me sad. The Moon Will Sing does have some stuff to it though, namely the lyrics “Tell me once again/I could have been anyone, anyone else/Before you made the choice for me” and “I want to feel the fire that you kept from me/The moon will sing a song for m/I loved you like the sun/Bore the shadows that you made/With no light of my own/I shine only with the light you gave me” because I think it works both as being aimed from York’s perspective at the Shelled One and at the fans, because he really had no agency his entire life. The LoreTM for the first time he avoided shelling is self sacrifice, but the real reason is that he got thrown around the board with JT and PDP, and then no one tried to save him the season he was really shelled. He has had a lot of his agency taken from him by the gods within both the lore and the actual game, and outside of the lore it’s been all the fans. York Silk has never been able to live or die on his own terms.

York Silk (Rest In Violence) starts dead York era. Ghosting is pretty self explanatory and covers the couple of months he was in the Hall. Because Dreaming Costs Money, My Dear and Killer both cover the two year siesta in between York’s resurrection and his first season in debt, because, yeah, that was a thing that happened. Because Dreaming Costs Money, My Dear literally opens with the lyrics “I can still smell the fire/Even though it's long died out/The smoke still hangs in my hair/And on some quiet evenings it burns my eyes” which just. Dying fucks you up! Who knew! Especially when your death entailed being set on fire! Killer specifically reflects that no one knew what, exactly, York’s death was gonna be like because he was the first debted batter. (”Can the killer in me/Tame the fire in you?/Oh, is there nothing left to do for us?/I am sick of the chase/But I'm hungry for blood/And there's nothing I can do”) Was he going to make people Unstable? Would it be something else? How exactly was he gonna go about doing it? And he just had two years to ruminate on that. Fucked up and evil, The Game Band!

Alright the shelling of oliver loofah by the coward york silk is our second to last era, which I am lovingly calling “York is back from the dead and ego makes him rude”. I specifically write ego as making him draw away from his friends and loved ones, which is why Achilles Come Down (”Some of us love you/Achilles, it's not much but there's proof”) and Never Love An Anchor (”On some level I think I always understood/That a ship could never really love an anchor/So I did the only thing that I could/And severed the rope to set you sailing from my harbor”) are on there.

AND the final era, Vault time. Goodbye reprises Look Who’s Inside Again so I have it as the start of the Vault, because man, York sure was trapped by and forced to play for two gods on two separate occasions, huh. Dead Hearts focuses more on York having to simply sit by and watch as the Fridays died and the world ended, locked inside the Vault. Nobody York knew really... made it into the Vault with him. The way Dead Hearts goes carries on like a conversation, so I’ve been imagining it as Lootcrates talking to York and trying to get his perspective of the history happening before their eyes. Last Words of a Shooting Star is on there because everyone is dying and it makes me sad so of course it is, but also because post Semi-Centenial all the replicas and their originals just had to live together in there, and the line “Did you know the Liberty Bell is a replica, silently housed in it’s original walls?/And while it’s dreams played music in the night/Quietly, it was told to believe” just makes me feel immense sadness about the replicas and the replica making process. The last song on the playlist and the era of the Vault is As The World Caves In because come on. It’s the end of the world and I don’t have a big variety in my music taste. I hope York is doing okay in that Vault, man.

[ohmyhera]

the tragic ending to an already tragic tale

T/w:mentions of r*pe,m*rder,p*edos, and Zeus saying some uncomfy things. Please proceed with reading this at your own discretion because this is chalked full of angst, more than I usually write for y’all so be careful.

“Nico-”

“You’re keeping it, now stop talking”Nico hissed. Will huffed and pulled the jacket—Nico’s jacket, tighter around his waist. It was cold, and they were wet and nothing seemed to be going as planned. The clouds grew darker and seemed to cover the sky completely only adding to their plight. Will paled, he didn’t do too well without the sun. His eyes fluttered towards the sky and he shuddered. The longer it was gone, the weaker he grew, it was his Achilles heel, the reason why he wasn’t allowed out on quests. He was a liability. Now, as the sky grew dark, and the clouds grew heavier, so did his fear. He wasn’t just a liability, he was Nico’s liability. And that made him feel even worse.

They were treading dangerously into no man's land, with the sun gone for gods know how long Will didn’t have access to his powers. Any of them. So that also means he was no help, he was as useful as a human who could barely shoot an arrow, and they didn’t even have arrows thanks to the Artemis girls accompanying them on the trip. They’d gotten split up about yesterday which already spelled bad news. Will knew it was the Gods doing, split up the team and they’re easier to pick off. It was practically the first rule in the book of killing a demigod. 

They could have taken refuge in the underworld but Will wouldn’t—no, he couldn’t survive down there. Thanks to his unique skill set he would quite literally die if he stepped foot down there, no sun equals no Will. He frowned, he was completely useless—

“Shut up”Nico said. It was said so casually that Will actually went to apologize, but Nico shook his head.

“You’re thinking too loud, it’s stressing me out”Nico said. Will titled his head a bit.

“You can read my thoughts?”He said. Nico’s mouth quirked up in his own attempt at a smile and he shook his head.

“No, but I can read your face. You won’t be any good out there if you’re distracted”Nico said.

“If we ever get to where ‘there’ is”He said, folding his arms. He wasn’t sure if it was the cold or his nerves causing him to tremble, but here he was, trembling. He should have just stayed at camp, but his big mouth opened on its own when Nico volunteered to go. They all looked at him funny but sent him out regardless, they’ve never seen him fight but that also meant they didn’t have proof that he couldn’t. And he can! When he’s not seconds away from collapsing against a tree. He was starting to see doubles and quickly blinked his eyes, and it helped. Until it didn’t. He found himself walking slower,his heart beating faster and Gods it was so cold…

“Will...Will!”

The trees above him spun and he hit the ground with a thud. 

“Fuck!”Nico said through clenched teeth. He threw himself to the ground and grabbed the blondes wrist feeling for his pulse. He felt it pulsing faintly, almost as if he was frozen. He bit his lip and squinted at Wills body, yellow tendrils of spirit floated around frantically trying to find a way out. He let out a shaky breath, Will wasn’t dying, he was just unconscious and his soul was in shock. His soul...his soul was in…

“Shit!”Nico shouted and pulled off his backpack searching for anything to keep his body warm. There was nothing in there but his sword,Wills arrow and some ambrosia. They really needed to start packing better. His mind raced and his body froze, if Will's soul went into shock he might not come back the same, he might...they might...Nico shook his head and pulled the blonde into his lap. He wasn’t going to let that happen, he wouldn’t. He folded his body over Wills and tried to remember something,any incantations that Will or the Apollo kids have ever said. He tried desperately to keep his body warm in the meantime.

But then it started to pour.

Harder than Nico had ever seen in both the lives he lived, this wasn’t an ordinary storm, this was foul play. This was the Gods doing. Nico gasped as the freezing water pelted the two and his mind soon knew nothing but anger. He knew not to provoke the Gods, he learned that from watching Percy get his ass handed to him more times than he could count, but now he knew. Now he knew how it felt to have the Gods slowly but surely try to take everything from you.

“What the fuck do you want from me Zeus!”He shouted towards the sky, Will's pulse was getting slower and he could feel his own pulse in his throat. “Tell me what you want you bastard! Call off the storm and face me! Are you scared or something!”

He felt a gust of wind behind him and resisted the urge to whirl around and choke the god. He didn’t have much time to think before the god was standing before him. No, Nico thought as his stomach dropped, that was too easy, it’s a set up.

“Well now, who do we have here?”The god said.

“Nico,son of Hades,”He said, surprised that his voice didn’t waver. “I said call off the storm”

“From the mean words you used, you’re in no position to be making demands”The god said.

“You don’t think anyone is in a position to do anything”He spat, “What’s your damage, Zeus? Don’t you have enough people to fuck with? Or is there not enough people to fuck? Are you getting bored again with your concubines? You feel the need to interfere on a simple fucking quest!”

He was red hot mad now. All he wanted to do was stab the god until he bled or sparkled or combusted or whatever it was that they did when they no longer existed. The god looked at him in disgust before flicking a finger and suddenly, Nico couldn’t breathe.

“You demigods—no no, you Hades brats think you have the right to talk to me anyway?”The god fumed, “I am a god! I can wipe you from existence,bring you back and do it all over again until you’re begging me to die!” He clawed at his throat but he wouldn’t give in, it felt good to get under his skin, to piss him off.

“But I won’t do that” he released the binding on the brunets airways and once again nico fell on top of Will—shit, he needed to save Will. Zeus seemed to ponder and shook his head.

“No I won’t do that or your daddy will wage war”The god said, “I don’t know why he cares for you brats when you do nothing for him, you hate him, you’re disgusted by him but yet he still loves you”

Nico felt his eyes sting and he quickly blinked it away, he wouldn’t fall for this.

“You rotten little halfbreeds don’t deserve his love, you do nothing but train up the next generation of miscreants and then die a hero”The god scoffed, “A hero, please. We haven’t had heroes in centuries. Aeacus,Amphion,Arcas, all my boys”

“I didn’t summon you here for you to bitch at me”Nico growled, “I summoned you to get an answer to a simple question, and no I don’t fear you, I don’t think you’ve met me but everyone who's ever crossed my path knows i’m not afraid to die young.”

“You’re an imbecile,”The god said.

“You’re a pedophile,a rapist,a murder-”Nico started, this time the god actually did choke him. The brunet was lifted far off the ground and he was face to face with the god he wanted to kill the most right now.

“If you’re going to disrespect me, say it to my face”The god said. 

“Let go of my throat and I'll disrespect you all day long”He wheezed, he was thrown to the ground without a care. His body hit the dirt with a thud and he bit back a groan, he wasn’t letting zeus win this one. He peeked over at Will, at this point he only cared that his soul was still in his body. They’d cross the other bridge after Nico finishes giving Zeus a piece of his mind.

“Stop fucking with me and answer my question!”He spat.

“You have a cursing problem”The god said offhandedly.

“You have an impregnating problem”He said, “you hate us so much then stop creating us, use a condom!”

“You’re lucky I'm not killing you where you stand”The god warned.

“Stop making promises and just do it already!”Nico exploded, “Kill me Zeus, just kill me!” “I can’t!”The god shouted back, “your father would wage war and i’m tired of war!” “Then stop causing them!”Nico shouted, “And stop changing the subject! Call off this damn storm and tell me who’s hiding Hermes so we can both go back to not seeing each other's faces!”

A wicked grin grew across Zeus’ face and Nico gulped, yup, definitely a setup.

“Nico, son of Hades. If you were really trained right then you’d know there’s always an ultimatum”The god said. As soon as he heard ultimatum his body ran cold, fuck.

“Name your price,”He said quietly.

“Not so bold now are we?”The god grinned, “Seems like you have something to lose”

“Just name your price!”Nico snapped.

“Your temper needs work”The god warned.

“That’s rich coming from you”He huffed, but it went ignored.

“I’ll tell you where Hermes is being hidden and even how to get there if…”Nico followed the Gods eyes to Will who was still unconscious. His eyes widened and he shook his head quickly, no.

“No, not him”Nico said, “He’s got nothing to do with this”

“I’ve made my ultimatum”The god said, “He’s pretty,he’s blonde, why wouldn’t I want him?”

“No!”Nico growled. And the god laughed, Zeus laughed.

“It hurts having the one you love ripped away from you doesn’t it?”The god howled.

“I’m not in love with him!”Nico shouted. “Then why are you playing martyr!”The god said, alight with fury. “Besides, it doesn’t take a god of love to recognize attraction”

“Take me”Nico said, the words were out of his mouth before he could stop them.

“Take you?”the god questioned, “Why would I take you?”

“I will do whatever you want,”He said through clenched teeth. “Take me and do what you see fit, but I want a new ultimatum”

“Humor me”The god said.

“Fix him”He said, “Fix him, give him the information for the quest and make sure no harm comes his way”

“That’s asking a lot of me”The god said, “You have to sweeten the pot”

“I am Hades' only son in history!”Nico shouted, “I would be a rarity on mount olympus, parade me around like some exotic pet, I don’t care! You wanted something the other gods never had and that’s me!”

“Cocky aren’t we?”The god said.

“You know it’s true”Nico panted, his chest rose and fell rapidly. “Take. Me.”

“Hmm”The god said, “That does sound pretty good, promise you won’t try and run away?”

“I promis-”

“No”The god said, “We’re making this deal...on styx”

There was a clap of thunder and the rain only intensified. Nico felt his life flash before his eyes. Christmas with mama and Bianca,the lotus hotel,his first few years at camp half-blood,Bianca’s death,the crush on Percy,meeting Will, his 18th birthday and how the Apollo cabin sung so loud it woke the mermaids in the lake,the way Will smiled so wide it reached his eyes as he smeared frosting across Nico’s nose. He was stunned into silence, all he could do was nod.

“I need that in words”The god said.

“I swear...on Styx”He whispered, another clap of lightning sounded and a pair of golden handcuffs appeared around his wrists. Immediately the clouds retreated and the sun was shining more brightly than ever.

“Well”he looked at Zeus, “Are we going?”

“No”The god said, “You’ve got someone to say goodbye to”

Nico’s eyes flooded with realization, “You bastard!-”

“Nico?”Will said in that sleepy voice, “What happened? Did I fall asleep?”

It really was a set up, this was planned, this was entirely planned and Nico fell for it. Split up the team and they’re easier to pick off. It was practically the first rule in the book of killing a demigod. 

This was just the beginning. This was the first move in Zeus’ cruel game of chess.

“You won’t be seeing your Nico for a long time”The god drawled, “Also you really should have confessed your feelings for him earlier because now he’s all mine”

“W-what!”Will stuttered, whirling around. “Nico?”

“He practically begged me to take him”The god continued. “I would feel pity for you if I had any pity at all”

“That’s not true!”Nico shouted and immediately felt a surge of flaming hot pain sear through his body. He wailed and his knees buckled from underneath him as he waited for the pain to subside.

“Tsk tsk”The god said, “Techically you did and Styx doesn’t like a liar”

Nico felt tears roll down his face and he was still screaming. He tried to complete the quest, he tried to keep Will safe but he failed. He did everything he could and he still failed.

“I would say I hate to break up young love but that wouldn’t be true, would it be my new pet?”The god said, “What was that you called me Nico, a bastard? A pedophile,a murderer, a rapist?”

All nico could do through the pain was nod.

“Well i’m all those things”The god said, “but so. much. worse”

Fuck Zeus,Fuck Styx and fuck the gods, he should have converted to the Egyptian Pantheon a long time ago. He looked up to see Will practically frozen in his spot, tears of his own streaming down his face. He wanted to reach out but even the thought of it sent another wave of pain coursing through his body, even his mind was shackled to Zeus.

I love you, he thought defiantly. I love you, my heart belongs to you, my heart bleeds for you, I’d do anything for you—each thought sent a new wave of pain shooting through his body.

“I’m sorry”He croaked. It was the only thing he could say. The last thing he saw was sorrow in Wills eyes, and the once bouncing soul come to a sharp stop and crack. Will’s soul was broken. 

And it was all his fault.

A/n hey guys, I’m alive! That was different than what I usually write but I hope you enjoyed it!

[dlwritings]

Call Him Hers | Dean Winchester | pt 8

series masterlist found here

general masterlist found here

pairing - Mark-of-Cain!Dean x plus-size!reader word count - 3,100 warnings - language, violence, knives

summary - Just when they think they’re good to head home, (Y/N), Charlie, and the Winchesters find a piece to the puzzle they didn’t realize they were missing.

(previous) (next)

(Y/N) and Dean woke up to a knock at their door. Neither of them got up even though they were both awake. Dean pulled her closer to his chest and nuzzled his face in her neck. She sighed contently and wiggled closer to him, too drowsy to notice the morning wood Dean was sporting. When the knocking persisted, she sighed and pushed herself out of bed. Dean quickly adjusted himself in his boxers as he sat up and watched her walk over to the door. Sam and Charlie both burst in, and (Y/N) jumped back. “Jesus,” she mumbled. “What’s going on?”

“There was another kill,” Sam said. “We missed something.”

“Fuck,” she said, waking up quickly. “Was it another vamp?”

“Either that or a human decided to try sucking their friend like a juice pouch” Charlie said. (Y/N) gave her a look that silently said, Really? and Charlie just shrugged.

“So what’s our play?” (Y/N) asked, walking over to her suitcase to pull out some clothes to wear for the day.

“I say one of you stakes out the pool house again, see if we missed something,” Sam said. “I’ll check out the morgue, Charlie’s gonna talk to the police, and then one of you can snoop around Chris’ place.”

“Okay,” she said with a nod. “I’ll go to Chris’.”

Everyone moved quickly, trying to make up for the time they lost sleeping. (Y/N) was mad. She thought killing Chris was her ticket out of town, but now she was right back in. All she wanted was to head back to the bunker and forget that this trip ever happened. Instead, she found herself hotwiring a car and heading off to Chris’ house.

Chris was single and had no kids. It made sense that he would become a vampire for some sense of family. Then again, he had said the same thing about her. She shook the thoughts out of her head as she pulled up to Chris’ house. She got out of the car and moved quickly to Chris’ front door. He lived in a shabby area of town, so there weren’t any neighbors with prying eyes. She used her lock pick to get inside and shut the door quickly behind her.

Her footsteps echoed through the house, and she got a weird feeling being there. She pulled her gun out of her pants and held it at the ready, walking silently and checking around corners. She found Chris’ Macbook and logged on, hoping he had it connected to his phone. He did, so she was able to see his text messages. She saw the person he had been texting when they were at the pool house, and she felt her stomach drop. Just as she fumbled for her phone to call Dean, she heard someone behind her. She stood up and came face to face with Bryan.

“You know, you weren’t exactly the one I hoped I’d find here,” he said, circling her with a taunting smile. “I was really banking on one of those Winchester boys.”

“Chris said the rest of his nest died,” she said, gripping her gun tightly. Bryan eyed her gun and raised his eyebrow.

“Why don’t you put that down, and we can talk,” Bryan said. She considered ignoring him, but she knew her gun wouldn’t do her any good anyway. She wasn’t carrying vampire poison bullets. What an idiot. She put her gun down and slid it towards Bryan.

“So the rest of the nest,” she said, holding her hands up. “Not dead?”

“Nope, the others are dead,” Bryan said. “But I’m still kicking. I told Chris to tell you all we were gone.”

“So what’s your MO?” she asked. “You live here. You can’t kill the whole town.”

“See, I always told Chris not to go after the locals,” Bryan said. “I always go after the tourists. I stock up on their blood until the next round comes again. When I’m out, I take a little trip with the wife and pick up some outsider blood. Going after the locals draws too much attention. Chris was a newbie. He didn’t get it.”

He circled her, and she made sure she never had her back to him. “I’m just trying to live my life, (Y/N),” he said. “I’ve always just been trying to live my life.”

“You’re killing people,” she said back.

“It’s what I do,” he said with a shrug. “We’ve all gotta live.”

“Monsters like you don’t get to live,” she said back.

“You know, you’re really intimidating when you have no way to defend yourself,” he said. She clenched her jaw. She had an angel blade in her coat, but she wasn’t sure she was fast enough to get it out and gank him with it. He was stronger than Chris had been, and she didn’t know if she’d be able to hold her own if he decided to attack. “I’m sorry this had to go down like this,” he said. “This wasn’t my intention. After Amanda, I was going to tell Chris to stop. But then, once he stepped in-”

“He?” She hated when people played the pronoun game.

Right on cue, footsteps were heard, and Shawn walked into the room. She opened her mouth to say something, but Shawn blinked and revealed a black set of eyes. She immediately reached for the angel blade, but Shawn whipped her against the wall. She tried to stand up, but Shawn flicked his wrist, and she felt a sharp pain in her ankle. “That’s a sprain,” Shawn said, walking closer to her and crouching in front of her. “I can make it a break if you don’t cooperate.” She spat in his face, and Shawn clenched his jaw in anger.

“Shawn wasn’t always like this,” the demon said, wiping his face and standing up. “I know you’re wondering. No, I got in here long after he cheated on your sorry ass. Demons love possessing people who are already douchebags.” He grinned a moment. “Even now, Shawn’s just laughing it up. He always loved seeing you in pain.”

“So why’re you here?” she asked, still trying to figure out how to get out of the situation.

“Well,” he said, “when I heard there were vampires in Dewey, I thought it was perfect. Because, you see, I knew you’re from Dewey, and I knew you’re all buddy buddy with the Winchesters, and I also knew you and the Winchesters have this, this savior complex. You just can’t turn down a hunt.” She clenched her jaw. “You’re their achilles heel, (Y/N). Dean may not have the hots for you, but he and his brother would die for you in a second. So now, we bide our time and wait for them to find you.”

“What do you do when they find you?” she asked.

Shawn smiled. “You’ll just have to wait and see.”

Bryan fished in her pocket for her phone, and she reached out her leg (the one without the sprained ankle) and kicked him hard in the shin. It was a dumb idea, she knew, but she was running out of options. He kicked her in the stomach, and she groaned and wrapped her arms around her torso. Bryan got her phone out and harshly slapped her ass just because he could. He handed the phone to Shawn who swiped and unlocked it. She cursed herself for never giving it a password. Another rookie mistake. He scrolled through her contacts and called Dean, smiling as he put the phone on speaker.

“You find anything?” Dean asked as soon as he picked up.

Shawn scoffed. “Not even a hello, Dean? Where are your manners?”

Dean was silent for a beat. “Who the hell is this?”

“I’ve got (Y/N) here,” Shawn said, avoiding Dean’s question. “(Y/N), why don’t you give your hubby a little hello?” She clenched her jaw and sighed.

“I’m alright, Dean,” she said, knowing he probably cared about that more than anything.

“Now,” Shawn said before either she or Dean could say anything else, “I’m here at Chris’ house, and I’ve just been dying to meet you and your brother. So I’ll send you the address, you boys can meet us here, and we’ll let (Y/N) live another day.”

“He’s a demo-”

Bryan stepped on her wounded ankle, and she shouted out in pain. “You keep your hands off her!” Dean shouted on the other end of the phone.

Shawn laughed. “Well then you boys better hurry.”

Dean hung up the phone and immediately called Sam. “What’d you find?” Sam asked when he picked up.

“A demon’s got (Y/N) at Chris’ house,” Dean said. “He’s asking for us.”

“Both of us?” Sam asked.

“Yeah,” Dean said. “I don’t know what the game is, but he’s threatening to kill her. We gotta go.”

“Okay, let’s just think this through-”

“No Sammy!” Dean shouted, jogging to his Impala. “There’s nothing to think through. Whatever they want, we give it to them, alright? Nothing is happening to her because of me. Where are you?” Sam rattled off the address.

“I’ll call Charlie,” Sam said. “We can have her bust in after us and catch ‘em off guard. They didn’t ask for her?”

“No,” Dean said.

“Okay,” Sam said. “Then that’s what we’ll do.”

Dean was glad (Y/N) was able to get out part of the word demon so he knew what he was walking into. When he pulled up to where Sam was, he also jogged around to the trunk to get out the demon knife. “I told Charlie the plan,” Sam said. “She’s already on her way over.” Dean didn’t respond, too focused on getting the knife and getting back in the car to get to her as quickly as possible. When both brothers were in the car, Sam said Dean’s name.

“I’m going to break your jaw if you keep talking,” Dean said.

“She’s gonna be fine,” Sam said. “She can hold her own. You know that.”

“They were doing something to her, Sam,” Dean said. “She was screaming. I don’t like this.”

The rest of the drive was silent.

(Y/N) jumped when she heard someone kick down the front door. Dean was holding the demon knife while Sam had an angel blade. Dean went to charge at Shawn, but both men were immediately thrown against the wall. Bryan laughed as he watched them struggle. (Y/N) wished she could do something, but she felt utterly useless. “You alright, (Y/N)?” Dean asked with a strained voice.

“‘M fine,” she said back.

“How cute,” Shawn said sarcastically. “Dean really does have a sweet spot for you.”

“So what do you want with us, huh?” Sam asked. “You working for Crowley?”

“Crowley’s a coward,” Shawn said. “90% of the time he’s so far up your Winchester asses, he can’t find his way out.”

“So what’s this about?” Sam pressed.

“Frankly?” Shawn said. “We want you, dead.” He pointed at Sam with a smile. “But Dean, well, we want him back.”

“You sound like a whiney ex,” (Y/N) said. Bryan kicked her again -this time in the face- and she had to spit blood out of her mouth.

“Stop fucking touching her!” Dean shouted with as much strength as he could muster.

“The power that mark gives you is unparalleled, Dean,” Shawn said, walking closer to him. “So I’m going to take you back with me, and you’re going to go back to doing our dirty work.”

“In case you haven’t noticed,” Dean said, “my eyes haven’t been black for almost a year. Why the hell would I work with you?” Shawn’s smile widened as if he was hoping Dean would ask that.

“Because,” Shawn said slowly, “if you don’t go with us-” He walked back over to (Y/N) and lifted her head by her hair. She whimpered and closed her eyes. “-what do you think is gonna happen to your girl over here? Hell, she almost makes you weaker than Sammy.”

“It’s okay,” she breathed out, looking at Dean with tears in her eyes. “Don’t do-” Shawn lifted her up and pinned her to the wall with his hand, squeezing her throat tightly. She could feel her eyes rolling back, but she tried to stay awake. She needed Dean to stay strong. Her life was not worth him going to the dark side again.

“Stop!” Dean shouted. Shawn turned to him again, and just then, the door burst open and Charlie charged in. Shawn dropped (Y/N) as Charlie took a few steps towards Bryan and sliced his head off with her machete. While Shawn was looking away, (Y/N) used all her strength to kick him in the nuts, hoping that was a pain he’d still feel. It did enough for him to lose focus and drop Sam and Dean. While Dean immediately rushed to (Y/N)’s side, Sam grabbed his angel blade and stabbed Shawn in the chest.

(Y/N) was slumped to the ground. She was still slightly gasping for breath, but mostly her throat was sore from the tears she was trying to hold back. “Hey, hey, are you okay?” Dean asked, crouching in front of her and putting his hand on her chin.

“S’just my ankle,” she said. Dean looked down at her foot.

“Does it hurt when I do this?” he asked, gently pressing her ankle. She hissed.

“Well it doesn’t feel good,” she said through clenched teeth.

Neither (Y/N) nor Dean were paying Charlie and Sam any attention, so they were oblivious to the way they were silently watching the pair talk. Dean stroked (Y/N)’s hair and hung his head. “I’m so sorry this happened,” Dean said.

“It’s no big deal, Dean,” she said.

“You were in danger because of me,” he said. “That shouldn’t have happened.”

“I know what happens when I talk to a Winchester,” she teased. “I know what I signed up for.” Dean frowned, and she reached out and put her hand on his cheek. She lightly scratched his beard like she had last night, and a small smile appeared on Dean’s lips. “It’s okay,” she said. “I’m okay.” Dean sighed and pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

Charlie and Sam shared a look that went unnoticed by Dean and (Y/N).

“Alright,” Dean said. “C’mere.” He lifted her up and carried her in his arms..

“Dude,” she said. “Put me down. It’s a sprained ankle not a broken leg.”

“Would you just shut up and let me take care of you?” Dean asked. (Y/N) huffed but zipped her lips, knowing that she’d lose the fight in the end. Dean smiled and kissed her forehead again. He brought her into the Impala and helped her into the front seat. Charlie and Sam got in the back. They drove back to the hotel to pack up their stuff and check out. A part of (Y/N) was a little bummed she wouldn’t get to say goodbye to Nicole, Stephanie, and even Jennifer.

What a weird existence.

Dean insisted that she stay in the car while he go pack up their hotel room. Frankly she was feeling tired and didn’t care enough to protest. She knew she’d fall asleep on the way home, and she could already feel her eyes fluttering closed.

When Dean checked out at the counter, he ended up running into Jennifer. “Hey!” she said. “Where’s (Y/N)?”

“Oh, she slept pretty bad last night,” Dean said. “She’s in the car, probably knocked out already. We’re actually heading out.”

“Oh, I’m bummed I didn’t get to say goodbye,” she said with a genuine frown. “Would you tell her it was good to see her?”

“For sure,” Dean said. “It was nice to meet you.”

“You too,” she said. Just as Dean turned away, Jennifer said his name again. “(Y/N) really loves you, you know that right?” Dean furrowed his eyebrows. What was she getting at? “There’ve been rumors going around,” she said slowly, “that your marriage isn’t-” Dean cut her off with a sigh, not in any mood to have this conversation. “I’m not saying I believe one thing or another,” she said quickly. “I’m just saying, whatever you have seems pretty real to me.”

He felt his shoulders drop a bit, growing a bit less defensive. He knew the tips of his ears were turning pink. “Have a good one, Jennifer,” he said. Jennifer gave him a small smile and a nod, then waved as he walked away.

When Dean got back in the car (Y/N) was already asleep. He hated the feeling in his chest when he saw her. Hated how much he ached for her to be his. Hated how he couldn’t count the number of times he had fucked up his chances with her. Hated that, no matter how many times he told her he loved her, she’d never really believed him. And sure, he allowed himself to imagine scenarios in which he told her how he felt -really told her- but the vulnerability scared him. Just like the vulnerability he felt when he held her as they slept. The idea of that kind of vulnerability scared him. He knew who he was with this mark, and he wasn’t a good man. Even if she believed that he truly felt that way about her -which, knowing her, she wouldn’t really- why would she want him?

Sometimes, he swore she loved him the way he loved her. When Chris was trying to hurt her at the pool house, all Dean could feel was the hope of her returning the feelings he had for her. And he wasn’t oblivious to her lingering glances, but -not to sound conceded- a lot of girls looked at him like that. There were never real feelings behind them. He guessed he was just alright to look at. But he didn’t want that to be why she was looking at him. He wanted her to have something more behind her stares.

Maybe it was just time he grew the fuck up. Life was short, and today was just another reminder of that. What would he have done if she had died and he never told her how he felt? He wasn’t sure he’d ever be the same. Dean wasn’t good at love. Didn’t know how to accept it. Didn’t always know how to show it. What he did know was he was dying to truly call her his.

----- ----- ----- -----

TAGLIST

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If you want to be taken off the list (or be put on for only certain people) just message me and let me know!  

[sunagitsunee]

Achilles Heel

Hurt / Comfort, Levi Ackerman x Hanji Zoe

POST 115 FIC

ALSO IN AO3

The patterns of the exposed beams of the ceiling were suddenly the most interesting thing in the room.

Levi had been past his major self-loathing stage, one that immediately kicked in after his stupor post the explosion. He’d been through despondency and helplessness after realizing the mishap took out parts of him that were necessary for battle. Denial was there, too, with the fact that he was a diminished version if himself after the accident—that he might not be the strongest one anymore.

What was eating him away was the guilt: survivor’s guilt. Or more so, having to bide his time until he could fully recover just so he could return to the battlefield.

Basically, he had to stay put, bathe in peace, while their allies were dying by the minute. 

To him, it was an indirect murder by his hands, because he failed.

Once more he was unsuccessful in fulfilling his promise to his previous commander, just because he was being uncharacteristically reckless. And to make it worse, his current commander was stuck nursing him back to health instead of watching over the poor kids left to finish what they had started.

It was all fucked up.

No—scratch that. It was beyond fucked up.

Levi had already faced all kinds of defeat ever since his memory had afforded to remember. And he thought losing his mother, his dearest friends, his own squad, and even Erwin, were already the peak of the damnation of his existence. He was clearly mistaken.

Because this time, he had lost a little more than himself, and gained back one thing he had forsaken a long time ago.

Well, he had spent the last decade redeeming himself from the clutches of the underground. Humanity’s Strongest Soldier, that was what everyone called him. He walked and talked the reputation. He devoted himself to his host and to the cause of saving humanity that the supposed burden became his second skin, to the point that his emotions got in the way—so he got rid of it.

As they say, they had to become what they wanted to kill. And he, including several other members of the original Survey Corps, became monsters to eradicate other monsters. Living with the armor of ferociousness for so long made him forget what it was like to feel despair. People had died left and right and tears came out reservedly, away from a mere human being’s gaze. No big deal.

Before the accident that rendered him catatonic for days, he had the impression that he would outlive everyone, so he had no problems of thinking about who would die next. Normally, his soul would be crushed and be forced to move on the next second because everyone counted on him to carry on the will of the dead.

However, the brush with good old death had changed things drastically.

He can die, alone and powerless. The truth was cold and unforgiving. It hit him like a brick wall. And he hated it.

Years and years of bravado and confidence had led up to this point. And the biggest problem was, who will carry on his will and those who died before him once he is gone? Who was strong enough to bear all the weight he carried in his back? All the lives which were sacrificed, if he couldn’t let them live on through someone else, would they have been wasted all for naught?

Who would care to remember him if he was to suddenly disappear, and no one else was around?

That was not even the worst.

The most fucked up thing that ever happened in that incident was being in the brink of oblivion, almost fading out, but then meeting the gaze of someone else that was filled with terror and sadness over the fact that he was, in fact, perishing.

It stung so bad, that it made him cower at the thought of biting the dust just like that.

He had never thought about it before, to be honest. But back then during his last breaths, when he had the sliver of chances to look upon the face of the person who was calling him back to reality: he saw that expression. Anguished was not even enough to describe what he witnessed. Fear, confusion, resolve, despair, longing… hundred more waves broke through his savior’s—Hanji's—facade while they held him gently, while he clung to that warmth as if it was his lifeline.

Which was stupid. Because they aren’t normally like that. They’d laugh and shout but not once did they throw those sentiments at him without holding back. They were strong like him. They’d lost people too, but they stood up and fought on.

So why, why did the glimpse of their face in sorrow made his wounds ache a thousand times more than they should?

Pathetic. Levi had convinced himself over these past few days that it should be the last time that he’d let them go through that. He wouldn’t go out like that. He’d never want to see Hanji’s eyes, the most vibrant pair he’d ever met, be clouded again in his dying moments.

He would have to make do of what’s left of him to push through, no matter how lamentable the outlook seemed.

 “Knock, knock.”

As if on cue, his rumination was disrupted with the voice that retrieved him from the underworld. The door revealed Hanji’s resigned frame, and light steps against the wood followed after as they approached his rigid figure in the tub.

Levi slowly turned his head towards them and took note of their sullenness behind the pretentious but affable smile.

“What? Don’t tell me you wanna take a bath with me?”

“Maybe. But I suck at doing it. You blasting me with water is still the best way to do it.”

Scoff. “It’ll be a different experience since I have less fingers to blast you with.”

He watched how they winced for a split second, probably a knee-jerk reaction after being reminded of his current setbacks. Hanji finally let out a sigh after holding their breath for several seconds before setting by the floor, absentmindedly playing with his bath water by dipping an entire arm.

“I talked with our hosts. The Azumabitos are displeased with how we are doing. Understandably so. But they are willing to hide us until you’re fully on your feet. Thanks to them, I’ve sent a coded message to Mikasa for our current status.”

“Yeah. And are they still all alive?”

“Presumably. Eren was dead for some time, but as expected of shifters, they can transfer consciousness and heal.”

“Fuck those shifters.” Good thing the kids were still kicking, but man, fuck Zeke and his existence. He spearheaded all this fuckery. And he’s still out there thanks to him.

“Our forces have withdrawn for the meantime… They have control over our new recruits, and most of our leaders have been transformed to…titans… I’ve instructed Jean to gather our remaining allies and rummage for whatever is salvageable. I'm—”

Hanji paused and bit their lip before punching the edge of the tub with their other hand, so hard that he felt the tremors from the impact. Levi knew them all too well, they were frustrated, more so with themselves rather than anything else.

“Damn… We’ve lost so much. I was never suited to be this. I’m such a fucking mess. Erwin would have pulled a miracle out of our asses by now. You know that. I’m sure you think the same way.”

NO! Obviously! Erwin was gone, right? And Levi chose it to be that way. He still doesn’t regret the choice of letting him rest, keeping him safe from this abhorrent world. Except that seeing Hanji at the end of their wits was every bit of torturous for him, too. But still…

“You said it before, Hanji. Outcomes aren’t determined by a single choice. Don’t take all the blame.”

Another fist hit the keg. “But I am at fault. I failed to draw a good gamble, and I got you injured by a flaw in the weapon that I made. I’m… I’m sorry, Levi. I’m not even sure if that amounts to anything anymore….”

Jeez.

Hanji was at it again. His guilt was already a thing, but theirs were like a second punch in the gut. They needed to be coherent as soon as possible for all their sakes, and Levi was one of the handful who could knock some sense into them.

“That’s the fiftieth goddamn apology you’ve managed to spew, and as far as I know, you aren’t supposed to be a deprecatory ass.” He spoke a little louder, making sure to emphasize every word. “Maybe if you stopped gambling and living in Erwin’s shadow and be precise like you used to be, those words would actually bear something.”

They went silent for a while, with only the drops from the faucet accentuating the stillness. Hanji was crouched away from his sight, probably pondering on their shortcomings, wallowing on the hurt from his statements, or perhaps repeating his harsh preaching like a mantra until they were consequential.

In the first place, they were the only person who could read between the lines no matter what foul words he spat out.

What he meant, anyway: Hanji had always been the better person, and if there was anyone who could get their stride back, it was them. They just had to get out of their slump, and they need to be back to their usual self. That he trusted them, and that he would do anything for them.

His speech seemed fruitful, much to his relief. When they straightened up, there were less shadows on their face, albeit the weeks of sleep deprivation and stress made the frown lines seem permanent.

Hanji tapped the surface of the water, purposefully splashing on his body, and some, hitting his face.

“Asshole,” they said. Levi kicked lightly and the ripples overflowed until they got into their clothes, too. He got a stifled gasp as a response.

“That’s the shitty glasses that I know.”

They chuckled but stopped abruptly to move closer until their faces were the same level. Their chin rested against the tub and their fingers hovered on the new scar that adorned his visage.

Caressing without touching, that is. For some reason it relaxed Levi; it was as if they were accepting his impairments instead of intruding upon him. It was their usual dynamic, one that went off-track when the war had started.

A thorn got dislodged from his heart knowing their thing was finally back.

“I’m sorry, Levi. Just this once, I say not as your commander. I truly am sorry.”

He shifted fully to his side so their good eyes could meet. There was something thick building up in his throat; he could have ignored it but decided against it. If he didn’t say it on the spot, he may never have the chance to do so.

“Thank you. And this is personal. You could’ve left me there. A dead man served no purpose to your goals, but you ended up putting your life on the line as well. You’re that dumb, but you saved me. I owe you. Everything.”

Hanji smiled and let their touch graze his jaw, right where the gash ended.

“I will admit, I was being selfish in that one. I could have let you rest, but I was scared. I… couldn’t let you go in the end.”

His chest drummed at their words and how they rolled off from their tongue.

“Scared, huh.“

He was, as well. Openly. For the first time. And if the situations were reversed, he’d risk his life to save them, too. Maybe the fear of losing them was a big part of his weakness now, but it’s a weakness he’d have to live with moving forward. "Maybe we are humans after all…”

“Yeah, you monster… I… just realized I needed you. Only humans do that kind of thing, I guess…?”

Needed. By the way the russet in their eye glinted, he knew they meant it in every sense of the word, and he too, felt the same way. More than they could both comprehend. More than the bonds of the dying breed that they share.

It was needing in a much, much, intimate level. And it took that recent trip to demise to bring those feelings bursting to the surface.

Levi’s hand met theirs, and he immediately appreciated the familiar warmth in contrast with the cold water. He held it down by his neck and rested against their palm. Hanji lightly squeezed on his skin.

“Hey… Don’t die alone, Levi. Don’t die before me. Get our freedom in my stead if I go. Promise me.”

He could feel their breath grazing in his face, and it nearly wanted him to breach the small distance that kept them apart and catch their lips. But no, this was not the time for it. It was unfair. War had no space for such ties.

He decided he would do it when they’re finally free, only then, since they deserved the whole of him. They’d start a new life together, that was his new resolve.

Instead, Levi smiled and brought his handicapped grip to nestle on their cheek.

“Don’t be stupid. If you go down, I go down. If you live, I live. So do your damned best to survive, and I would keep at it too. That’s what I can promise.”

Hanji turned their head to press their lips longingly to his palm before speaking.

“Of course… that seems fair to me.”

[fortunatelylori]

Why the Jon/D*any romance doesn’t work (Part 5)

Hey, guys! This last part of my “Why the Jon/Dany romance doesn’t work” series was taken down in the great Tumblr purge and I am now reuploading it. I got a few messages from people wanting to read it and I’m really sorry it’s taken this long to get it back up again. But here it is! :)

This is actually the second part of the “More than 2 is a crowd” section of the series but since it got very, very long I split it up.

Welcome to Days of GOT, the soap-opera where your captor turns into your lover only to turn into your aunt:

The “we’re fucked but not in a good way” scene

As a general rule, I’ve decided not to take into consideration what any of the people involved in this TV show say in interviews or behind the scenes. They very willingly and intentionally mislead the audience and lie to our faces. I don’t hold it against them but I’m not going to spend my time analyzing and commenting on something that may very well be the writers screwing with me.

However, I find it very interesting that Kit Harrington said that he thought this was the scene where Jon and Dany started liking each other. Because this is, by far, the nicest, friendliest conversation they’ve ever had. It’s almost, dare I say it, human-esque.

Here, I’ll even give you some examples:

Jon: No one is less happy about this than I am.

Dany: I know. I respect what you did. Wish you hadn’t done it but I respect it.

Wow! Appreciation and respect … where have you two been for the duration of this plot?

Dany: […] We weren’t extraordinary without them (dragons). We were just like everyone else.

Jon: You’re not like everyone else.

Hello, validation! Nice to see you again, old friend.

See? Even I’ve been generalized into submission. He’s lucky he’s cute. That’s all I got to say.

Dany: I can’t have children.

Jon: Who told you that?

Dany: The witch who murdered my husband.

Jon: Has it occurred to you she might not have been a reliable source of information?

Dany, you lucky girl! You’ve just been struck by the ever elusive Jon Snow joke! Revel in it for it only comes out to play once a season.

So, all of this is very touching … I mean, I say very …. Mildly, in the near vicinity of touching. It would have been even better had this happened earlier and not in their last private conversation but at this point, beggars can’t be choosers.

However, once you strip away this veneer of friendliness, you do find some quite troubling things in this scene.

Firstly, there’s the main issue they are discussing:

Dany: This place was the beginning of the end for my family. […] A dragon is not a slave. They were terrifying, extraordinary. They filled people with wonder and awe and we locked them in here. They wasted away. They grew small and we grew small as well.

The problem with this speech is that it creates a conundrum for both the audience and Jon. Because Jon’s already heard the flip side of this particular coin, directly from his BFF, Jorah:

Missandei: Why did they build it? (the Dragonpit)

Jorah: Dragons don’t understand the difference between what is theirs and what isn’t. Land, livestock, children … Letting them roam free around the city was a problem.

So how does Jon resolve this issue? He doesn’t. He simply listens to Dany, looks around the Dragonpit and keeps his mouth shut.

Are we to understand that Jon Snow simply doesn’t care about children being burned alive because he wants Dany and her dragons to be as terrifying and awe inspiring as possible?

Isn’t it more likely to assume that Jon simply does what he’s always done in conversations with Dany, essentially keep his thoughts to himself and allow her to think whatever she wants? Which can only mean that despite their pleasantries, their dynamic is essentially the same it’s been since the cave scene. Which, by extension, means we’re just going round and round in ever increasingly polite circles.

Great! I got all excited with no rose petal covered way to go.

Then there’s this:

Dany: You were right from the beginning. If I trusted you, everything would be different.

Jon: So what now?

Dany: I can’t forget what I saw North of the wall. And I can’t pretend Cersei won’t take back half the country the moment I march North.

Remember when I said that Jon had no reason to bend the knee because Dany had already promised to help him defeat the Night King?

Tin foil hat: You know nothing, fortunatelylori!

Shut up, you!

Yes, Jon! You heard that right! A near death experience by either zombification or drowning, a dead uncle and a bent knee later and all you have to show for it is a better placement on Dany’s list of priorities. It used to be -100 before but now the goddamn apocalypse is neck and neck with Dany and Cersei’s competition for a piece of furniture. Enjoy!

The “what is fear of assassination anyway when my hormones are out of wack” scene

I could analyze every line in this scene but I prefer to cut through all the boring travel arrangements that no one paid attention to and cut to the chase:

Jorah: My queen, love of my life, end all be all of my existence, your safety is paramount to me. Please fly to Winterfell and not risk getting blood all over your pretty blond wig.

Jon: Aaa ... I mean it’s your choice, obviously, but ... would you rather fly and be safe or get on a boat and possibly have sex with me?

Dany: Sex with Jon  on a boat, definitely.

However, I will say this is a very interesting line:

Jon: It’s your decision, your Grace. But if we’re going to be allies in this war, it’s important for the Northerners to see us as allies.

It sort of feels like Jon is not giving Dany a choice at all. It’s more of a “my way or the highway” type of proposition but again Dany’s too far down the rabbit hole to notice the difference.

The “this better be good, guys! The whole of Westeros is watching” scene

I’d love to link to b0atbang here but Tumblr hates that scene as much as we do. So for your convenience, I have decided to put my considerable artistic talents to good use and I have drawn what I believe is almost an exact representation of it:

Guys, I spent almost 30 seconds in Paint doing this so please show me some love. Tread carefully, Tumblr, for you are treading on my dreams!

We started this section of the series talking about the “more than 2 is a crowd” rule so it seems only fitting that we should end with this: the most crowded sex scene since whatever porno film you watched last night.

There are 6 people involved in this scene and that’s excluding the actual two people that are having sex! Six people, most of them related to one or both Jon and Dany.

We have Jon’s mother but also Dany’s sister in law, Jon’s uncle but also adoptive father, Jon’s real father but also Dany’s brother, Jon’s brother who is actually his cousin, Jon’s best friend and also family member to the victims of Dany’s latest dracarys incident and lastly Dany’s closest adviser and also ex-husband to Jon’s sister/cousin/the current possessor of a “part of him”. This is Days of our Lives gone terribly, terribly wrong.

I don’t think I have to explain why this is romantic plot suicide. A sex scene between a romantic couple is supposed to be intimate, tender, sometimes steamy. It not supposed to be the smallest part of an elaborate montage designed to tell us that the people currently engaged in the devil’s mambo number 5, are actually related as well as de facto rivals for the Iron Throne.

A lot of people have commented on the inherent issues with the set-up of this scene, from the lack of a first kiss (an absolutely crucial part of any romantic pairing), to the lack of conversation before or after , to the horrible transition from a dying, blood soaked Lyanna to Jon and Dany in the midst of physical abandon and up to Jon’s strange expression:

Jon: I don’t think Tinder is working out for me.

What I would like to do instead is show you a scene that has quite a similar setup to this: it starts off in a bed and also includes the dreaded body flip. This is incidentally one of my favorite sex scenes. I am, of course, talking about the sex scene between Achillies and Brisies in 2004’s Troy. When I uploaded this the first time, @lostlittlesatellites  mentioned in the comments section that this film was actually written by David Benioff, which I had forgotten. So not only did the D reuse this set-up for the Jon/Dany scene but actually is well aware of the salient differences between the two scenes, since, you know, he was involved in writing both of them. Another nail in the “Ds suck at their job which is why they couldn’t write a better romance” coffin, I guess.

I would love to put this scene up here in all its glory. However, since Tumblr is a prude that can’t handle the gorgeous physique of one Brad Pitt, I can’t. Just type Achillies and Brisies into youtube because it’s a more liberated platform, incidentally with far fewer Nazis lurking around. Also here is a pic of Brad’s gorgeous abs. Tumblr, eat your heart out!

The body flip:

The body flip in the Brisies/Achilles is counterbalanced by the knife. These kinds of flips are awkward when filmed in a wide shot but the fact that she’s holding a sharp object to Achilles’ throat moves our focus towards the character’s faces and not the awkward body movement.

Focus on details:

When you watch this scene, you’ll notice that a large portion of it is Achilles pulling up her dress and slipping his hand underneath the material. That becomes a very intimate movement that, in turn, creates expectation … And expectation creates interest. It has a much slower build-up than what we get with Jon/Dany and it’s that prolonged moment that makes it sexier.

It tells a story:

This is very important. Words in scenes aren’t there just to make the writer feel important. They set the tone, the level of intensity and make the audience feel like they’re a part of it, instead of being kept at arm’s length because they don’t have access to the character’s thoughts.

The Troy sex scene is a whole story in itself: We start with Brisies trying to kill Achilles but hesitating. We have Achilles admitting he will kill more men and daring her to go through with her plan. We have him flipping her and then tentatively kiss her as she finally gives up and drops the knife to the floor. This is an intimate, character driven scene that marks the transition of these two from enemies to lovers.

That’s not to say that Jon and Dany’s scene isn’t telling a story. The difference is that the story it tells is plot driven, not character driven. What makes their scene inherently interesting are the revelations we receive about Jon and how that will affect the plot moving forward. In that sense they become secondary characters in their own sex scene, just gilded cogs in a much larger plot wheel and far from breaking it, their sex scene is advancing it. To what end, I guess we’ll find out in season 8.  

 And that’s it, you guys! Hope you enjoyed this series. I do have a few ideas on what to write next but if there’s something in particular you’d like me to cover, let me know.

In case you haven’t read the other 3 parts of the series, you can find them linked below:

Part 1: Are D&D really idiots?

Part 2: Repetition and generalization are the death of romance

Part 3: When everyone and their mother has a different take on the same line of text

Part 4: More than 2 is a crowd

PS: none of the artwork in this meta belongs to me. Except for b0atbang which is the only piece of art worth mentioning anyway and which shall be hanging in a museum near you very, very soon.

[pitiless-achilles-wept]

Fellow Feelings: I’m dying and I want to know it scares you too

I was thinking today more about feelings of alone-ness and cancer. For one thing, I realized, I actually haven’t seen anyone cry about my cancer diagnosis except for my parents. Like, I feel pretty certain that it has happened (maybe repeatedly), that I do have other people in my life who are fucked up about it. But their assumption is probably that they shouldn’t put the labor of seeing and interacting with their emotions on me. And it’s true that there would be an unhelpful way to do it (ask for comfort and the reassurance that I’ll be fine). But there’s also the possibility of showing emotions to me as a way of communicating what I mean to you. 

I titled this blog after the scene in The Iliad where Priam sues Achilles for the return of his son Hector’s body (which Achilles mutilated because Hector killed his lover Patroclus) and succeeds because Achilles observes his grief, finding in it commonality despite being on opposite sides of the Trojan war (and him being the murderer of Priam’s son), and cries for his own loss. I mean, no one I know has to recreate that whole scene (lord knows I don’t have that many tents). But letting me see the moments of negative emotions would make it safer for me to show mine. Like, not even tears, but a text to say “I’m fucked up about your cancer tonight and I’m mad and I hate it.” Otherwise, I worry that everyone else is just “normal” and also expects me to be--or perform--”normal.”

Of course, other people are allowed to forget. It’s a luxury to be able to, as I can’t. It’s just another way in which I think that, when you’re dying, you’re kind of always alone. I mean, I posted yesterday about my (pretty bleak) thoughts on being the relationship kind of alone through this. And that’s part of it. But more than that I’m not even sure the experience of living with this kind of knowledge--that you’re currently dying--IS communicable to other people.

[Below the cut: more on dying, normalcy, sympathy, and friendship]

I forget it most of the time, because I have to. I mean, I literally never forget that I have cancer. It’s the biggest--in some sense ONLY--fact in my life right now. But out of sheer self-preservation, I don’t follow through all the implications of it. I’ve got a nasty, viscous, persistent form of cancer that is ALL OVER MY BODY not just in the tumors I can feel and rooting it out is going to be a multi-year project. If I do get to remission, it will be after who knows how many chemo cycles? 6? 12? More?? When I thought of chemo before I thought of it as a thing that would either be over or you would die and, in a sense, that’s still correct. But I wasn’t fully aware of how much time it would--in the BEST scenario--occupy before you died. 

There’s also the possibility of remission...but even that will eventually lead to more chemo because relapse is almost inevitable with what I have. They are trying to prescribe me drugs that are minimally invasive so that I can still continue to have other things in my life like work, travel, friendships, and (potentially--although see yesterday’s skeptical post) relationships. But the long delay in testing etc. has also allowed me time to bury the implications of my disease, just as a way of being able to keep on with my life at all. 

I think that’s fine, to be clear. But I am sometimes--suddenly, profoundly, stunningly--struck by the fact that I’m actually dying and that it could be soon. Today I was having trouble breathing in a way that was totally not explainable away, which indicates that the tumors in my lungs must have gotten significantly bigger than the little nodules they found 2 months ago which--DUH THIS IS A MOTHERFUCKING BASTARD OF A CANCER SO WHAT DID ANYONE EXPECT LEAVING IT FOR TWO GODDAMN MONTHS??? But knowing that and feeling it, physically and emotionally, are two very different things. And I didn’t know who to tell. What to say. What to do at all.

Because I love my friends and I don’t want to hurt them. And what else could I expect if I sent a frantic message out saying “I AM AFRAID TO DIE AND I DON’T WANT IT AT FUCKING ALL PLEASE TELL ME THIS WHOLE THING IS ACTUALLY A TERRIBLE FEVER DREAM AND NOT TRUE!!”? Because they can’t say anything to that that’s reassuring. The general inclination is probably to say “NO YOU’RE NOT YOU WILL BEAT THIS” but, uh, actually that’s not always helpful. The uncertainty of the whole thing is actually both its greatest asset (who knows how effective stuff might be? maybe lots!) and what’s most terrifying (or you could hit goose eggs all around, like I have so far). At best, friends can empathize and affirm, “that is terrifying and I’m also scared and want this whole thing not to be true,” and validate my feelings. 

But then I will have inflicted this pain of remembering--of knowing that I may not be around for them in the not-so-distant future--on them too. I’m fully aware that it can’t be my job to protect people from my emotions or my experiences. People are in charge of themselves and have to be able to tell if they need to opt out of cancer discussions, including reassuring me. Otherwise they WILL get fatigued because, as I said, this is going to go on for fucking ever. Sometimes it’s necessary self-care not to be there for someone, to set a boundary about it. But I do need to trust them to draw those boundaries themselves and not try to anticipate, guess, or impose them myself.

This is a general problem I have with trusting that my friends want to be there and do things for me because they love me....and THAT is a very ancient problem of me not believing that I deserve love from, or even could be loved by, anyone who’s not my parents. (Legacy of childhood; topic for another time.) I had accepted that my ex-husband loved me entirely and that I deserved it. And then...he didn’t Having to attempt to bestow that trust again in the aftermath of it being torn apart is....a major challenge for me and one which, I think, I’ll be attempting alongside everything else cancer treatment will bring.

There’s not really a conclusion to this. Except, I guess, if people mean something to you you should tell them, in whatever form that takes. It may literally be saying it, affirming love and importance. It may be thinking of small pleasures, nice things to say or do. And sometimes it may be admitting to feelings that seem “unhelpful. I know that the idea that sharing pain as a way to communicate love seems implausible but, given my own reticence to let my negative emotions (anger, fear, despair) through I also know that for me it could be a form of support. 

Time is short, potentially for everyone and definitely for me. So if you’ve got a way to affirm that I’m not alone why not do it? The root of sympathy is, after all, the Greek for feeling together (”fellow feeling”). And it leads, of course, to that other key term: catharsis.

[frickengreenfrickyeah]

An Irreverent Intro to the Iliad

A/N:I’ve taken the introduction to the Lombardo translation and condensed it. Any time I says something to the effect of “don’t quote me on this” that means I’ve added my own analysis or thoughts that I cannot back up in any way, so don’t, like, put it in an essay if you don’t plan on doing your own research.

Anyway, you don’t care about that stuff, you came here to read about the Iliad.

It’s really fricken long, so, for the sake of mobile users, everything’s under the cut except for this:

“Rage. Bitch, lemme tell you about the time that Achilles fucked over the entire Greek army by Rage-quitting.”

Timeline for the Noobs 

Ten years ago:

Aphrodite bribes Paris so she can win a beauty contest between herself, Athena, and Hera. Paris’ reward for his ‘heroics’ is Helen

(There’s probably an essay’s worth of symbolism you could dig into here, what with the goddesses all representing different priorities: erotic love, wisdom/justice, and familial duty. I wonder what Paris’ choice reveals about his character?)

There’s some disagreement about whether or not Helen when with Paris willingly

Seeing as literally no other woman in the Iliad (and maybe the entire Cycle? Don’t quote me on that) willingly went with her kidnapper, I’m calling bull on that. Do with that what you will.

Menelaus gets really mad that Paris stole his wife, so he rounds up the Greek army, and they go to war. (It’s worth noting that Athena and Hera are both on his side here.)

Present day:

Agamemnon(Boo), Menelaus’ brother kidnaps a girl. Then he has the balls to get upset that the girl’s father called Apollo’s plague down upon the Greeks until she’s returned

Achilles points out that Agamemnon’s being a dick and people are literally dying because he won’t let go of one girl. Agamemnon says, “Fine. If I have to give up my lady-war-prize, I’m taking yours as recompense.”

Achilles allows Agamemnon to take his girl, then Rage-quits. As consequence, people die.

Hypocrites. Hypocrites everywhere. If you wanna analyze that for an essay, I think there’s plenty to talk about. 

The Theme Worth Giving a Shit About (Because it Drives the Narrative)

Heroes risk their lives on the battlefield in exchange for Prizes

Ie. riches, bitches, and clout

Honor <--> Shame is how they judge the value of others and themselves. Honor wins Prizes, Shame loses Prizes

3 Characters Worth Giving a Shit About (Because They Explore the Aforementioned Theme)

Achilles: Main character. Rage is his thing. Also, pouting. 

His honor is insulted by Agamemnon(Boo) taking away Briseis, his lady war prize. Since war prizes are how their society rewards heroes for risking their lives, Agamemnon is basically saying he doesn’t care of Achilles dies or not.

And that hurts Achilles’ feelings because he knows he’s gonna die. There’s a prophecy about it. 

The only reason he’s fighting is because society conditioned him to believe that Prizes and eternal glory were worth dying for.

Now that he doubts everything he knows, he refuses to fight for the Greeks.

The entire poem is the consequences of his Rage-quit

Agamemnon: fuck this guy

He loses his lady war prize, so he takes Achilles’. Because short-sighted spite is the best motivator.

He and Achilles start the poem in the same place, believing that material goods should equally compensate a loss. Achilles is the one who learns that that’s not how that works.

Agamemnon starts as a dick and ends as a dick. Google Iphigenia if you want to learn more. And that shit he pulls with Cassandra? Major dickbag. Fuck this guy. 

Hector: The Trojan hero, and honestly the only likable guy here. 

He is Achilles’ foil. 

Just like Achilles, he’s separated from society - but, unlike Achilles, it’s not because he rejects their values. It’s because he never questions them.

He’s basically the perfect hero, and he suffers for it:

His son is scared of his war helmet

He can’t stay closer to home to fight defensively because that’s ‘shameful’

And he can’t even stay in the city that long on his breaks because wine and women are too tempting. 

Side Characters to Maybe Give a Fuck About

Patroclus: The most important of the supporting cast, and he’s only in it for, like, maybe a book

Achilles’ BFF and probably more

(Read: Definitely more. If you listen carefully, you can hear me chanting OTP OTP OTP every time you open your book.)

He is Achilles’ double

He never doubts society but supports his bestie’s midlife crisis anyway

His death at the hands of Hector symbolizes Achilles’ death because he was wearing Achilles’ armor at the time

Achilles causes Patroclus’ death btw

When he Rage-quits, he asks Zeus to help the Trojans (because short-sighted spite is the best motivator). Patroclus goes to help the Greeks wearing Achilles’ very recognizable armor, causing Hector to target and kill him

His death redirects Achilles’ Rage at the Trojans instead of the Greeks

Diomedes: a badass fighter

Greater Ajax: a badass fighter

and (I think) the guy who talks sense into Achilles at some point

Ajax the Lesser: a badass fighter (are you sensing a theme in these characters?)

Odysseus: the only smart guy here

The Odyssey is about him btw

The Trojan horse was his idea, according to the Aeneid (and maybe other places? But definitely the Aeneid.)

WTF is an Epic Poem Anyway?

Epic Poem: recounts events with far-reaching historical consequences, sums up the values and achievements of an entire culture, and documents the full variety of the war

Basically, if “’Murica, Fuck Yeah” sums up America, then the Iliad sums up Ancient Greece

(Actually, Hamilton is a better comparison, but I needed to make a joke. Fite me.)

That “full variety” thing is why Book 2 and a couple other places just list off a bunch of ships or leaders and their dads. That shit is boring. Skip it. 

But also, that ‘full variety’ thing is what makes other parts of the story so interesting. Homer will sum up a dude’s life story right before he kills them or some shit. It magnifies the scale of the narrative by showing how insignificant one person’s experience is - no one person can stop the war.

That’s what makes Achilles’ story even more powerful --> because his impact on the war is significant. His Rage controls the ebb and flow of it. 

He can’t stop the war though. No one can. 

The Gods are Petty as Fuck

Homeric gods look/act like humans, but they’re different mainly because of two things:

1. They can’t die.

That means they treat the events of the war less seriously than the mortals do.

2. The gods know about fate

To the modern reader, it seems like the humans have no agency, but that’s not really the case

Knowing fate is a bit like knowing the plot of a movie. It gives insight into a character’s actions that would otherwise seem random.

By reading this poem, you’re basically a god. Don’t let it go to your head. (But, hey, there’s a reason I’m majoring in this shit)

Bards like Homer would more directly be gods because they changed and adapted the story as they told it, just like the gods influence human actions in the story.

Don't quote me on that tho

Character choices are usually doubly motivated - by the human, and by the gods

Ex: Achilles chooses not to kill Agamemnon because Athena tells him not to.

This is personifying the literal thought process he had so that the reader understands what’s going through his head.

Fate doesn’t force anyone to act out of character --> fate is the consequence of their life choices

The gods not caring about death and his own lack of foresight is what Achilles messes up on

He asks Zeus to help him get revenge on the Greeks because he assumes Zeus cares about that sort of thing, but Zeus is bigger than that.

That leads Patroclus’ death, btw.

The “Enduring Heart” Shit

Achilles is really butthurt that Agamemnon wronged him

The lesson he has to learn is that even if material goods can’t make up for losses, there’s no other option --> you can’t bring people back from the dead, so you have to move on

That’s the Enduring Heart shit

also, if you abstract that concept it sounds kinda like entropy to me (Don’t quote me on that tho)

He learns that lesson by feeling pity for Priam (Hector’s dad) instead of perpetuating the Rage Train

And, hey, that Enduring Heart shit is a lesson that all of us could take to heart. None of us want to die, but it’s gonna happen. Maybe that’s not fair, but throwing a temper tantrum isn’t going to change anything. Really, the only way to avoid being miserable is to embrace our mortality so we can appreciate life while we have it

don’t quote me on that tho

In a nutshell, Achilles has to accept his mortal-ness. Otherwise there’s a lot of unnecessary suffering. 

That’s why we don’t need to see him die in the Iliad even though everyone makes such a big deal about the prophecy about his death. His journey was completed as soon as he found pity in himself instead of Rage - essentially rejecting the godly side of himself (oh yeah, I forgot to mention. His mom is a goddess) and embracing his mortality. 

because gods don’t have to deal with death, they can Rage all they want, remember?

Also, if he never dies, he can’t be reunited with Patroclus. 

OTP OTP OTP

You could probably write an essay about how Achilles died as soon as Patroclus did.

Honestly Boring Historical Context (That might be interesting if you’re a nerd like me?

The poem was basically historical fantasy even when it was first written. There are gods and super strength and shit

Greek History Over-Simplified: The Mycanaean Period was prosperous but ended suddenly. The Dark Ages of Greece followed, and we don’t know much about what happened during that because they forgot the written word was a thin. 

The events of the poem probably take place during the Mycanaean Period because they use bronze weapons. 

But warfare is described from more of a Dark Ages perspective. Like, they don’t use chariots the right way

Which suggests that chariots were part of the source material, then the Dark Ages made people forget how they were supposed to be sued, so the bards just kinda made shit up to explain their presence. (Don’t quote me on that tho)

The Oral Tradition of the poem means that this story was told thousands of times over hundreds (thousands?) of years. So the narrative is hones at shit.

it has the sculpted body of an Olympic athlete. Each muscle toned to do a specific job and everything works perfectly together to accomplish the sporty feat of interest. Every verse is packed with character, setting, plot, and cultural significance

Except for that Catologue of Ships shit. Boooo boring ships.

There were probably lots of other versions of the poem, but Homer told it best. His version was written down as soon as the written word was (re)invented

Side Note that wasn’t in Lombardo’s Intro

The Iliad and Odyssey are both parts of a larger body of work known as the Epic Cycle 

(The Aeneid is basically Caesar Augustus-insert fanfiction at that, btw. Virgil was a satirical fanboy and I’m living for it.)

Characters and events are introduced with the assumptions that the reader already knows their importance

But we only have fragments of the rest of the Cycle today because it was either never written down or the manuscripts were lost

I’m looking at you, Burned Library of Alexandria

*sad fiddle music plays in the background

Videos That I Learned Shit From (Only, like, the first two links are relevant to the topic at hand, btw)

Basic Plot: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=faSrRHw6eZ8

More about the Epic Cycle: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G3bn0eKt4Rw 

Iphigenia: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifFsKCrH3GM 

Oresteia: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kpGhivh05k             

The Odyssey: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-3rHQ70Pag&index=4&list=PLDb22nlVXGgfwG1qbOtNgu897E_ky_8To (Also, this story is my favorite of the Epic Cycle)

The Aeneid: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QRruBVFXjnY&list=PLDb22nlVXGgfwG1qbOtNgu897E_ky_8To&index=5  

Ancient Greek History: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mzGVpkYiJ9w&index=2&list=PLDb22nlVXGgexsbafIwirG6Tk9uww9dSW    

And, yeah, these videos are all from the same channel. I’m a basic bitch and a ho for not leaving my comfort zone. Fite me. 

Honestly, if anyone has other sources, let me know. Youtube history/video essays are my shit.

I hope this was helpful.